Before Sept. 11th, The Tsunami, and the Iraq war, the only place to turn to for comedy was ABC’s “Full House.” The story of a dog named Comet and the Chinese family that struggled not to eat him, “Full House” starred Detroit’s own Dave Coulier as struggling comedian Joey Gladstone. By far the most famous talent on the show, Dave entertained children everywhere with his uncanny impressions of Bullwinkle, Popeye, Hitler and Scooby Doo. The show made Coulier bigger than Jesus and he capitalized on this newfound fame by starring in the 1987 blockbuster hit: YOGI BEAR AND THE MAGICAL FLIGHT OF THE SPRUCE GOOSE. The film earned 9 Academy Awards including Best Picture and proved to the world that “Cool-Yay” was here to stay. He didn’t act again for another 14 years.

With a comeback in full effect, I was honored when Dave Coulier accepted my request to interview him for this column. He made me promise that I wouldn’t bring up YOGI AND THE MAGICAL FLIGHT, but nothing else was off limits. Dave wanted this interview to be raw and real. Here’s the transcript:

Me: Dave, let me start off by saying what a huge fan I am and what an honor it is to meet you.
Dave Coulier: Cut…It…Out.
Me: Holy shit that’s funny. Dave, do you like baseball?
Dave Coulier: I don’t think the ranger’s gonna like that Yogi.
Me: O.K.
[Long silence]
Me: After playing Uncle Joey for so many years on “Full House,” did you find it difficult to land roles outside of the family genre?
Dave Coulier: I’m Bullwinkle!
Me: Uh-huh. Anyways, you starred on the “Surreal Life: Season 3,” what was it like living for two weeks with Jordan Knight?
Dave Coulier: Did somebody say — “WOOD!”
Me: Dude, stop it.
Dave Coulier: Jane, get me off this crazy thing!
Me: Seriously, it’s getting kind of lame.
Dave Coulier: You’re in big trouble mister!
Me: Wasn’t that Michelle?
Dave Coulier: Well blow me down. Aw ga ga ga ga ga.
Me: You’re a fucking douchebag.

As an 8-year-old kid growing up in Brooklyn, I really only had 3 goals in life: to own a monkey, become an American Gladiator and to bang the shit out of the hot ass daughter from ALF. Having accomplished 2 of these goals, I’ve now set forth trying to find a pet store that sells monkeys…. giggitty giggitty… giggitty goo. As Lynn Tanner, Andrea Elson confused young boys everywhere when their underoos suddenly didn’t fit as well as they did during “Bobby’s World.” From “Silver Spoons” to “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose,” Andrea had “it” and by “it,” I mean the ability to convince a guy that going to jail for rape just might be worth “it.”

So whatever happened to this brace-face sex kitten? Did she end up posing for playboy? Or following in the footsteps of her TV father Max Wright by blowing a bunch of homeless dudes for crack (“Hey Willy”)? Sadly, I don’t know. The truth is, after murdering her husband and sodomizing her with his cock, the courts deemed me “unsafe” and allowed Andrea to take a restraining order out against me. Jokes on her though, just last week I kidnapped her 8-year-old daughter and convinced her that my semen tastes like rainbows and sunshine. Who’s the douchebag now Elson? Who’s the douchebag now?

Back in the day, the name Brandis was a synonym for Awesome. When Spielberg needed an actor for his live action series “SeaQuest DSV”, whom did he turn to? Brandis! When Rodney Dangerfield needed a male costar that could double as a surprisingly hot chick in LADYBUGS, whom did he turn to? Brandis! And when George Lucas was looking for a young man to play Anakin Skywalker in STAR WARS II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES, whom did he turn to? Well, Hayden Christensen, but guess who auditioned for the role? BRANDIS! The guy was Hollywood’s leading man before there was ever a Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio. He banged Brittany Murphy, played with dolphins and his television resume read like a wet dream: “Webster,” “Full House,” “Saved By The Bell,” and “The Wonder Years.”

So whatever became of the man who was nominated in 1991 for Best Young Actor Guest Starring in a Television Series for his role in “The Flash”? Jonathan Brandis went on to become one of the most famous celebrities ever. He currently makes 20 million dollars a film, pisses gold and drives a rocket car through the streets of Hollywood. Nah, I’m just kidding, he’s dead. What a douchebag.

If Hollywood Hot-Spots and meaningless tabloids were as prevalent in the early 80’s as they are today, you would find Barret Oliver doing lines of coke off Tiffany Brissette’s juicy, robotic breasts just before getting denied entrance at Les Deux*. He had a hit TV show in “Knight Rider” and starred in THE NEVERENDING STORY, D.A.R.Y.L and COCOON. In 1989 Barret had the bejeezus scared out of him when his costar in the underappreciated comedy SCENES FROM A CLASS STRUGGLE IN BEVERLY HILLS was murdered by a crazed stalker — he would never act again.

Some like to believe that Barret actually became the savior of Fantasisa and lived out his life banging the Childlike Empress and fighting crime with Falcor. Unfortunately, Barret got mixed up in photography and currently writes books about some developing process I have ever heard of nor care about. What a douchebag.