I apologize for the missing column last week; a bear killed my mom.
WATN: McGRUFF
By Wodi McWo
Back when I was just a third grader slinging llello in Ms. Pfau’s class, I was able to afford several luxuries that other non-drug selling 8 years olds couldn’t. Diamond encrusted pogo balls, Dolce and Gabbana slap bracelets, a private booth overflowing with Cristal at Jumbo’s Clown Room — Yep, life was good. I had my money, my bitches and my custom flavored Otter Pops. What flavor Otter Pops you ask? Well how about the flavor of vagina? Fresh, young, vagina.
All’s was well until a cold November day when Ms. Pfau told the class we had a visitor. He wore an oversized trench coat that screamed, “Hey kids, let’s party,” but this mutt was all business. Boys and Girls, from the NYC 33rd precinct, I give you Crime Dog McGruff and the end of my childhood. Featured on “The Simpsons,” “Family Guy,” “Dexter’s Laboratory” and the 2000 album “Take a Bite Outta Rhyme,” McGruff was an international superstar known for banging prostitutes (doggy style of course) and then hauling their torn up asses to jail. His methods were unorthodox and he never did anything by the book – probably because he was a dog and dogs can’t read. McGruff taught kids everywhere about drugs, bullying, safety and the importance of staying in school. Kids listened to Mcgruff, because if you didn’t listen to Mcgruff, he’d pin you down, whip out his red rocket and fire off two rounds of AIDS. He was truly a bad dog.
It’s been over 18 years since that infamous day at Chaparral Elementary School. As for me, well I’m now drug free and write a blog that is read by four, maybe five people. Sadly, the same can’t be said for Mcrguff. Having sold his trench coat for crack and using the leftover money to sniff stripper ass at Jumbo’s, it’s almost as if Mcgruff and I are in some sort of kick ass body switching movie. Unfortunately for Mcgruff, while I’m still banging third graders and eating Otter Pops, he’s awaiting his final sleep at The Fog City Doggie Kennels in San Francisco. What a douchebag.
Next week’s Where Are They Now: LeVar Burton
Tags: where are they now, crime dog, mcgruff, llello
