It’s visually captivating, hyper-saturated, effects-laden, makes no real sense, but perhaps most amazingly, contains a song by Billy Corgan that did NOT make me want to stab someone. That hasn’t happened since Siamese Dream. Zack Snyder’s Watchmen is either going to be a big barrel of suck or the greatest movie ever. And it might even accomplish both.

Doctor Manhattan looks pretty awesome, but this trailer does serve as a reminder that no matter how cool superhero costumes look in the funny books, in real life they look pretty g-h-e-i. I blame ComiCon nerds. In real-life I see a guy in spandex and a cape and I can’t help but think “never been laid.”

Update: If the trailer seemed to you like an visually-interesting melange of nonsense, Cinematical has posted a very helpful Beginner’s Guide to the trailer. Of course if the trailer’s editors had done their job they would’ve cut something together that didn’t leave noobs scratching their heads. Or maybe that was the point. It’s like confuse-a-cat!

Cinematical’s Beginner’s Guide to the WATCHMEN trailer is below.

http://www.cinematical.com/2008/07/18/the-beginners-guide-to-the-watchmen-trailer/

Inside sources told me that Christian Bale took over artistic control when attaching himself to the latest “Terminator” project and was business-like in making sure the film’s re-write and director McG were all up to his standards….

From the looks of the teaser trailer recently releaed on Yahoo Terminator 4: Salvation is going to be hot.

Check it out here

The monumental failure of Grindhouse last year doesn’t seem to have stopped filmmakers from trying their hand at nouveau-exploitation. Of course we showed you Rob Zombie’s Tyrannosaurus Rex one-sheet last week, and now we bring you the red-band trailer for Black Dynamite, a blaxsploitation homage that’s surprisingly true to its sources, starring Spawn/Undisputed II’s awesome chocolate kung-fu ninja, Michael Jai White.

Okay, I’ll admit I’m a little pumped for this. Alas, I don’t see Rudy Ray Moore’s name in the credits, but as I perused his IMDB page I do see that he recently played “Angel of Death “in a movie called The Watermelon Heist. Yup. That’s what it’s called.

I’m glad Barack Obama put an end to racism so we can finally enjoy stereotypes again. Hey, black people like watermelon. That’s not racist; it’s a cultural thing, man. And Chinese people are good at math because its importance is emphasized within their community. And Mexicans really are lazy because culturally, they just don’t give a fuck. You gonna be mowing my lawn all day, Pedro? Yeah, of course you are… high five! Thanks for sharing your culture with me. Now I’m gonna go put on this Jimmy Buffett CD and dance poorly. Hey Indian Guy, don’t they sell deodorant at the 7-11 you run? Because culturally, you stink like five day’s worth of B.O. and a plate of lamb curry. No, I wasn’t speaking to you, AMERICAN Indian Guy. Maybe if your culture hadn’t taught you that it’s okay to start drinking mouthwash at 6AM you’d be able to comprehend basic sentences. God bless you, America. You really are a melting pot. A melting pot of stereotypes, united by Old Glory, and our mutual disdain for those dirty, sub-human Canadians.

In case you were wondering when Alexandre Aja – the French director responsible for the excellent Haute Tension and a surprisingly good remake of The Hills Have Eyes – would cash in his horror cred for a big fat bag of feces-smeared Hollywoood sell-out cash, the answer is… wait for it… wait for it… now.

I thought the point of red-band trailers was to fill them blood and guts and tits and foul language. This thing’s about as hardcore as my church’s haunted hay ride, only without the creepy “abortion doctors in hell” exhibit which at least makes the hay ride worth the ticket price. Burn you damned abortion doctors! That’s what you get for killing innocent zygotes! Anyway, Mirrors is probably a remake of some equally lame Thai or Korean horror schlock, because Hollywood studios aren’t even original enough to come up with their own unoriginal concepts anymore; Ironically, I believe they farm the work out to the same child-labor sweatshop that stitches together my Nikes, which are admittedly quite comfy. Because of this little air-pump thing right here. How do they do that? Amazing.

Mirrors opens August 15 against Tropic Thunder, which at least had a severed head in its red-band trailer.