When it was announced last year that Haute Tension director Alexandre Aja was doing a remake of Piranha in 3D, horror fans were giddy with anticipation… of something entirely unrelated to this news, because wow another crappy horror remake using the 3D gimmick like a bad Midwestern nu metal band wearing half-assed Slipknot masks. Still, I’ve been hoping the film would at least have something to offer in the way of Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus style ridiculous fun. But judging from this trailer, per usual it seems my hopes and dreams shall go unrealized. Considering that it’s full of boobs this trailer’s pretty damned boring. I can’t fault the makers for setting it in a Lake Havasu style Spring Break party town, but the end result seems more like MySpace: The Horror Movie than a harkening back to the 1980’s scantily-clad-teen snuff horror heyday. And doesn’t the voice-over that kicks it off seem more suited for a commercial shilling pharmaceutical ED remedies than the trailer for a movie about bloodthirsty South American devil fish? I get it, dude, I should talk to my doctor. Because obviously my revulsion at seeing the baby-ruined vagina nestled between my wife’s cottage cheese thighs for the 50,000th time is a MEDICAL problem.

I suppose a gore-slathered red band trailer might make my murder boner a bit more turgid, but since we already know the gristle will be of the digital variety I think that’s about as likely as the Jets winning the Superbowl. Anyway, Piranha 3D doesn’t open until August 27, 2010 so we have plenty of time to forget all about this.

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Okay, admittedly, the CG shots look um, a little Playstation-2-ish. But this trailer contains cues from both AC/DC and Black Sabbath, which means it is the greatest trailer ever made by a motion picture studio. Only Motorhead and boobs could’ve made this trailer better, and I’m talking greased up double-D fun-cans with silver dollar areolas and innie-nipples blazing. What’s this movie about? WHO GIVES A SHIT.

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The good news is that Hollywood has officially granted us permission to be publicly prurient toward Dakota Fanning without fear of Chris Hansen suddenly appearing in our living rooms carrying a transcript of our thoughts. I’m sure this comes as a welcome relief to the literally thousands of men out there who come to this site care of Google Image Searches for jailbait spank material.

The bad news is she’s still Dakota Fanning, meaning a frightening, bug-eyed wraith. It must be truly discouraging to find out that one’s sex appeal dried up at age four. I know it was for me, care of my uncle’s fleeting affections. I mean besides a Cub Scout uniform, what did Billy Robinson across the street have that I didn’t? Oh well, water under the bridge…

The Runaways, for the uninitiated, is a quasi-bio-pic about the 1970s girl band that brought us such hits as “Cherry Bomb” and…. “Cherry Bomb.” But the larger importance of The Runaways (the band) is that it spawned the careers of grrl-rock legends Joan Jett and Lita Ford, as well as that of chainsaw artist Cherie Currie.

Chainsaw artist Cherie Currie?

CHAINSAW ARTIST CHERIE CURRIE!

Anyway, here’s the trailer. The Runaways also stars an actress named Kristen Stewart, who was apparently in some sort of movie about vampires.

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As they recently did with their mark 2 Wolf Man trailer, Universal’s marketing folks have cut their Robin Hood teaser to look like some metalcore video lifted from MTV2’s Headbanger’s Ball (yes, MTV2 actually plays the occasional music video), replete with a barrage of jump cuts, butt-metal guitar riffs, the curious random line of dialog and absolutely nothing to indicate that there might be some sort of story going on. I’m pretty sure Robin Hood’s going to be good – just because Ridley Scott’s movies are at their worst watchable (except Hannibal) and at their best awesome (and by this I mean Alien, not the overrated Blade Runner) plus the film boasts a strong cast (biggups to Kevin Durand as Little John, yo!) – but all I know after watching that trailer is a) Russell Crowe is in it and b) there are arrows. Maybe there’s a segment of our society for whom “Russell Crowe + arrows” is the only lure they’ll need to go see a movie, but I am clearly not among their ranks.

Now if Robin Hood were a videogame, this trailer would be perfectly fine. Seeing arrows and swordplay at least means that I’ll likely be able to shoot some people with arrows, and cut off people’s heads with swords. Story, in a videogame, is generally something you skip past to get to the killing. But film being a passive medium, and mashing the red X button not being an option, I’d at least like to know before plunking down fourteen dollars for a ticket that Robin Hood will amount to something a tad more substantial than watching some stoner play Oblivion for two hours. Because believe me, I can do that for free.

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