AS DB wrote a review for “John Rambo,” I decided it was my duty to do the same for this weekend’s box office champ, “Meet The Spartans”. But then I realized I’d probably have to actually watch to the movie to do so. I’ll be completely honest here: I’d rather contract AIDS than go see a Seltzer and Friedberg movie; in fact I’d rather contract cancer-AIDS, or e-bola-leprosy, or any other CIA black-ops hybrid disease designed to make my skin fall off and blood shoot out of my penis for six hours before dying in a convulsive heap of pus. But obviously these movies have an audience. So I enlisted my cousin, 16-year-old Gary Wayne McCoy of Bangor Maine, to write the review for me.

Gary’s interests include hanging out in parking lots, Insane Clown Posse, doing whip-its, applying “pissing Calvin” decals to the back of his Ford F150, and smoking blunts full of schwag weed. And, as I suspected, he’s the exact audience Seltzer and Friedberg have in mind when creating their films: A low IQ, ADD-afflicted, pop-culture obsessed, morbidly obese rural wigger. Take it away, Gary!

Yo So these weeken (I think I wuz Friday) mee an Mi friens Jimmy and Dave when to tha Bush Mills Mall Cinaplex to see a movie, we wanned to sneek into RAMBO bcuz Jimmy sez Rambo cutz off a dood’s arm with a mashetty and then beets another guy to deth witdt it, so we got a tixet to MMMET THE SPARTANS, but that fat fuck Mr. Benniger who maniges the place (yo remember he fired me after too weeks for stealin mike and Ikes) was all like standin by the door and shit, so we went to see MMET THE SPARTANS anyway even tho it we thot it was gonna be abot boring gay ass shit like history, but since Dave stol a bottle of his mom’s boons aynyway we figgers what the fukk plus we were alredy pritty stoned (420!!!) so how the fuck bad culd it be, so we went in and saw it and that shit was FUNNYY!!!!!! Evin tho it was kinda lyke 300, at times, but it was kinda funnier, and the fat guy who hit Borat in the face wth his nutsack was init as the badguy and the dood who was Hercooless o0n the TeVee sho (ya I kno more gay history sheet) and Karmin Lecktra wooz hott!! Their were alott of funny jokes. I giv MMET THE SPARTANS 4 starz and two thums up (yore ASS!!) becuzz it was pritty funny. 420!! ICP!!! Peace \m/ G-MAC

As mentioned in a previous article about violence, the latest “Rambo” film has 263 deaths in it. This is an astounding number and a true testament to the brilliance that is Sylvester Stallone that he can cram into less than 90 minutes that many dead people, bullets, guts, explosions and torn ligaments.Before we get into the movie, I just wanted to point out a few funny things I have noticed on the web lately relating to the “Rambo” craze that is evidently sweeping the nation. Topless Robot have come up with 5 ‘Rambo Solutions’ to ‘5 Everyday Office Problems’ my favorite of which is how Rambo manages to solve save the day when the office copy machine has run out of toner.Cracked also do a brilliant job of comparing and contrasting ‘John Rambo’ against Bruce Willis’ ‘John McClane’ character from the “Die Hard” franchise and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ‘T-800′ from the “Terminator” franchise to find out which character is the “Baddest Man Ever Captured on Film.” ‘Rambo’ of course gets a 9/10 “Bad ass” compared to McClane’s 7/10 and T-800’s 8/10. (I’d be interested to see how Javier Bardem’s character in “No Country for Old Men” would score…)

Now to discuss the movie which I have just returned from seeing. Sadly, “Rambo” did not win this weekend’s box office. Instead that title belongs to the probably dreadful “Meet the Spartans” but “Rambo” should be the #1 film this weekend because it is the most violent, most hilarious and also the most American film ever made. Without getting too much into the plot I can tell you that the film has something to do with Burma, a bunch of Christ-loving doctors and a whole lot of really gross Burmese soldiers who like to rape, pillage and hold white people hostage.

Of course when trouble comes calling ‘Rambo’ is there to pick up the phone and the machette and he and a band of mercenaries get on a boat “Apocalypse Now” style and go down river to save all of the hostages from the evil Burmese army.

263 deaths, a ton of blood and guts and limbs later “Rambo” is victorious. But in the process, you and your fellow audience members have bonded and reminded yourself that in the face of danger, in the face of evil, it is stupid to back down. Especially if you are one hell of an amazing guerilla warrior killing machine like John Rambo.

Hailed as one of the best films of 2007, “Persepolis” the French entry for the Foreign Language Oscar is a poignant coming-of-age story of a precocious and outspoken young Iranian girl that begins during the Islamic Revolution.

Based on the graphic novel, this animated feature is an autobiographical life history of Marjane Satrapi. She is the co-writer and director of the film along with Vincent Paronnaud.

The film’s simplicity, both in animation and the way it delivers a very personal story is what makes it most compelling. Also, the fact that the film - a French submission to the Oscars beating out Julian Schnabel’s “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly” which won the French Cesar Award this year - is not very French at all.

In fact, if it were a live-action film and not an animated film you could fairly say that most of the action takes place in Tehran, Iran or in Vienna, Austria. However, the film is delivered mostly in French even though most of the dialogue is being conversed by Iranian characters to one another. Legendary French actress Catherine Deneuve voices Mrs. Statrapi, Marjane’s mother and adds a little glitz and glamour to anotherwise very humble film.

Persepolis is Rated PG-13, 95 minutes, animated and is currently playing in limited release

(in Los Angeles at The Landmark, Laemmle’s Music Hall, Laemmle’s Monica Fourplex and Laemmle’s Town Center 5 in Encino)

39 year old Israeli director Joseph Cedar has sent three films thus far to the Foreign Film Selection Committee of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences. Although, his latest subject matter may not be his most controversial, the circumstances surrounding the film’s submission for Oscar consideration have sparked a considerable amount of headlines.

The film is entitled “Beaufort” aptly named as the entire film takes place atop a place known as ‘Beaufort Castle’ located just inside Lebanon’s borders. The Israeli Defense Forces occupied this area and much of South Lebanon from 1982 to 2000, in what was known as the “Israeli Security Zone.” When Israel withdrew from this area to the United Nations-sanctioned “Blue Line” in May 2000, the South Lebanese Army was unable to stop Hezbollah’s military stockpile and armament. Hezbollah’s growing army and subsequent attacks caused much conflict between Israel and Hezbollah, culminating in a 34-day war in 2006, known as the “Second Lebanon War”.

It was also in the summer of 2006 that director Joseph Cedar began editing his latest film, adapted from author Ron Leshem’s “Beaufort: a novel” [the book is known in Israel as ‘If Heaven Exists’ and was translated into English by Evan Fallenberg and released in the United States on December 26, 2007 by Delacorte 360 pp., $24]

Since 2000, the South Lebanese Army had been unable to curtail Hezbollah’s military stockpile and armament and this was largely the cause for the conflict between Israel and Hezbollah inside Lebanon and along Israel’s northern border during the summer of 2006. This 34-day war termed the ‘Second Lebanon War.‘

The novel is is largely told from the diary perspective of young 22-year-old Sephardic First Lieutenant ‘Liraz Liberti’ (Leshem based the character ‘Liraz Liberti’ on Israeli Defense Forces soldier Rotem Yair,.) The film also follows Liraz as a flawed hero who, although courageous and at times contemptuous of his fellow soldiers and officers, is attached to the heavily fortified stone and cement ancient castle which he protects from Hezbollah rocket attacks.

A look at Joseph Cedar’s personal history may reveal some of the reasoning behind his passion to direct this particular project. The New York-born director immigrated with his family (his father is a geneticist and his mother a drama psychotherapist) at age six to Israel. He has a Yeshiva background and studied philosophy and theater history at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem as well as completing NYU Film School.

Cedar grew up a centrist Orthodox Jew, observing Jewish laws and rituals but liveing in the secular world. A defining characteristic of such are the small knitted yarmulke that Cedar wears distinguishable from the black hats and black coats of the ultra-Orthodox Jews known as ‘haredim.’

Cedar’s first feature film, “Time of Favor” (Ha ‘Hesder) starring Israeli actor Aki Avni won five Israeli Academy Awards including Best Picture and Screenplay. His next film “Campfire” (Medurat Ha’shevet), won five Israeli Academy Awards including Best Picture and Best Director as well as a special mention at both Berlin and Chicago Film Festivals. The latest film, “Beaufort” was nominated for 10 Israeli Academy Awards but only four (all in technical categories) as much of the year’s praise, including Best Picture went to Eran Kolirin’s “The Band’s Visit.” The latter film, as winner of the Israeli Academy Award for ‘Best Picture’ was automatically submitted to the Oscar’s as Israel’s representative.

But “Beaufort” received another chance when the Academy’s Foreign Film Committee disqualified “The Band’s Visit”, and Cedar’s film served as the replacement. The disqualification resulted in a controversy that drew attention from The New York Times, LA Weekly and The Los Angeles Times.

Patrick Goldstein of the LA Times even called for the Academy to throw out its 44-page rule-book and start over for two reasons: One, because “The Band’s Visit” is truly an excellent film, and the other becuase most people hadn’t seen “Beaufort” yet. (The Academy membership screened “Beaufort” on January 5, 2008)

The stink was so big involving the disqualification of “The Band’s Visit” with Patrick Goldstein calling for the Academy to throw out its 44-page rule-book and start over for two reasons. One was because “The Band’s Visit” is a truly excellent film. And the other was because most people who had seen it hadn’t seen Joseph Cedar’s “Beaufort” yet. (The Academy membership saw the film January 5, 2008) Therefore, with “The Band’s Visit” on so many 2007 “Top 10″ lists and with the weight of its Golden Palm Award in Cannes and Sony Pictures Classics signed on to distribute it there was nothing short of an outcry that the Academy was slighting Israel’s outstanding films of 2007.

Regardless, the chances of Israel receiving a nomination this year (which remains to be seen) are still strong as “Beaufort” is an excellent substitute submission for the country. The film resonates very strongly with audiences and this is perhaps why Cedar was the first Israeli director to win the prestigious “Silver Bear” award in the 2007 Berlin Film Festival as well as a nomination for the “Golden Bear.”

In “Beaufort”, Cedar manipulates emotions, message and actors to maximum effect. Without giving away too much of the sequences or events that take place in the film, it can be said that within the first 30 minutes there is an extreme build-up, rush and release that no audience can be ready for when watching the film.

Oshri Cohen who plays Liraz Liberti in “Beaufort”

While the directing is stellar, the actors should be singled out as incredibly moving and authentic. Oshri Cohen, an actor who controversially didn’t serve in Israel’s mandatory military draft plays the presiding officer ‘Liraz Liberti.’ Ironically, as Liraz, Cohen manages to the pathos of the responsible older brother to his soldiers who risk their lives for their country even after learning that the Israeli government has decided to withdraw from this part of South Lebanon.

Former Presidential nominee John Kerry’s testimony to Congress after his return from Vietnam included the famous passage:

“How do you ask a man to be the last man to die in Vietnam? How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake?”

That sentiment is felt by many of the soldiers manning Beaufort castle for the Israeli army, a position rumored to have been occupied by the conquering soldiers of 1982 after missing a command to not move forward on the ancient fortress. And it is Cohen’s Liberti character who knows this feeling of political dissent is apparent to an entire country (the “Four Mothers” who at the time were persuading then Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to withdraw from Lebanon)

The other side of the story is perhaps best shown by ‘Koris’ (Itay Tiran) who constantly questions Liraz and why the soldiers are risking their lives in a position that is unduly dangerous and pointless. As these discussions occur in close quarters, the confines of the claustrophobic concrete barracks in which these soldiers live, there is an easy comparison to the United States’ current quagmire and dilemma that faces the military in Iraq. Should they stay and continue doing a dangerous job that will not lead to peace or tranquility, or is following the order of a commander in chief to defend a foreign slab of concrete and rock, worth risking lives for?

Upon winning the Silver Bear in Berlin, director Joseph Cedar said:

“The film is the story of any battle in any war. It’s about young people who are asked to give their lives for a mountain that will soon lose its significance. And it’s about fear - contagious, intoxicating, palpable fear, a word Liraz Liberti never allowed himself to utter,” “I hope that this film will give political leaders a reason to fear war before deciding to go to war or to have the courage and strength to end them,”

All said, “Beaufort” lives up to the expectations raised by Israel’s current film renaissance (Dror Shaul’s “Sweet Mud” as well as “The Band’s Visit” recent film-festival acclaim have been noticed by an entire country filled with raised expectations). Additionally, this film highlights Joseph Cedar as one of today’s elite technical story-tellers and film-makers.

“Beaufort” will be released by Kino on several screens in New York starting January 18, 2008.