I know I took my dear sweet time to see Michael Moore’s documentary “Sicko.”  After all, it was the talk of the Cannes Film Festival in May and I was there, and then it was in theaters for such a long time and I suppose I just don’t have any good excuse but all told it took me until past the DVD release date and I finally saw the film - on the big screen - and let me tell you what I think….

Michael Moore is the most hated and feared documentarian in the world for a good reason.  He’s obviously biased and he has a fearless determination to fight the dumb-fight.  And when I say “dumb-fight” I am specifically referring to the fact that the same reason Moore is so hated by those he takes on, which include, the car industry (in “Roger & Me”), gun lobby (in “Bowling for Columbine“), the Bush Administration (in “Fahrenheit 9/11“) and now the health-care industry (in “Sicko“) is the same reason he is brilliant. 

In this Academy Award nominated documentary, Moore’s unique and best technique as film-maker is to use his grating personality (now almost a cartoon-like persona) and pushiness, along with that annoying voice of his as the best and most powerful weapon in his arsenal.  After watching a fat and ugly man like Michael Moore marching around the streets of Paris, London and Havana self-realizing that his own country - America - is the worst out of all industrial countries in terms of the standard of medical care the average citizen receives, one can hardly be stupid enough to have the same realizations as he.

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I’m not big on shorts (notice the play on words…) Actually, I’m not big on short stories or short films or even short people for that matter. There’s something about three acts and the standard length of a feature film which really works for me. Books or novels that are too long often lose me around page 300 and movies that go past 3 hours (unless directed by David Lean) are over-indulgent pieces of crap. There’s something that I am so used to in the three-act formula that is the hallmark of modern cinema.

Three acts - the set up, the conflict and then the resolution. Well, I must say that I was very intrigued by “Paris, je t’aime” because I had seen a segment from Tom Tykwer starring Natalie Portman from before the film was completed. And after it was released, I seemed to have missed it theatrically. However, with 22 of the world’s most talented directors coming together to tell small 5 or 6 minute stories that take place in one of the many arrondisements, sites or attractions of Paris, I knew it was a film I’d end up seeing sooner or later.

Obviously there is no plot to the film, but the message that Paris is a city of lights, love and diversity does come across. Here are a few of my favorite segments from within the film (in no particular order):

Oliver Assayas (”Clean” “Demonlover“) writes and directs a segment entitled “Quartier des Enfants Rouges” which stars Maggie Gyllenhaal as an American actress filming a movie in Paris who nearly falls for her drug dealer.

Gurinder Chadha (”Bend it Like Beckham“) directs a segment she co-wrote with Paul Maveda Berges entitled “Quais de Seine” which stars the beautiful Leila Bekhti as a Muslim girl who falls near the Seine river and is helped by an infatuated French boy played by Cyril Descours.

Gus Van Sant (”Good Will Hunting“) writes and directs “Le Marais” which features Marianne Faithfull as well as two young actors Elias McConnell and Gaspard Ulliel who flirt with each other with heavy gay undertones in a printer’s shop.

Brothers Joel & Ethan Coen (”No Country for Old Men“) write and direct “Tuileries” which takes place inside the Metropolitan train stop and features Steve Buscemi as a tourist who is enchanted and beguilled by the public displays of affection of Julie Bataille and her sadistic French lover.

Famed cinematographer Christopher Doyle (”Downloading Nancy” “Rabbit Proof Fence“) directs and co-writes “Porte de Choisy” which features famous director Barbet Schroeder (”Reversal of Fortune“) in an acting role, Schroeder plays a travellng salesman named ‘Monsieur Henny’ who encounters Li Xin - a Chinese woman and her friends who are all interested in transforming their troublesome Asian hair into different styles and shapes and colors…

Alexander Payne (”Election” “Sideways“) directs “14th arrondissement” which features the brilliant 56-year-old actress Margo Martindale (’Ma Cox’ in “Walk Hard“) as an American postal worker who tours France having spent the past two years learning perfect French but maintaining her horrific American accent when she speaks.

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AS DB wrote a review for “John Rambo,” I decided it was my duty to do the same for this weekend’s box office champ, “Meet The Spartans”. But then I realized I’d probably have to actually watch to the movie to do so. I’ll be completely honest here: I’d rather contract AIDS than go see a Seltzer and Friedberg movie; in fact I’d rather contract cancer-AIDS, or e-bola-leprosy, or any other CIA black-ops hybrid disease designed to make my skin fall off and blood shoot out of my penis for six hours before dying in a convulsive heap of pus. But obviously these movies have an audience. So I enlisted my cousin, 16-year-old Gary Wayne McCoy of Bangor Maine, to write the review for me.

Gary’s interests include hanging out in parking lots, Insane Clown Posse, doing whip-its, applying “pissing Calvin” decals to the back of his Ford F150, and smoking blunts full of schwag weed. And, as I suspected, he’s the exact audience Seltzer and Friedberg have in mind when creating their films: A low IQ, ADD-afflicted, pop-culture obsessed, morbidly obese rural wigger. Take it away, Gary!

Yo So these weeken (I think I wuz Friday) mee an Mi friens Jimmy and Dave when to tha Bush Mills Mall Cinaplex to see a movie, we wanned to sneek into RAMBO bcuz Jimmy sez Rambo cutz off a dood’s arm with a mashetty and then beets another guy to deth witdt it, so we got a tixet to MMMET THE SPARTANS, but that fat fuck Mr. Benniger who maniges the place (yo remember he fired me after too weeks for stealin mike and Ikes) was all like standin by the door and shit, so we went to see MMET THE SPARTANS anyway even tho it we thot it was gonna be abot boring gay ass shit like history, but since Dave stol a bottle of his mom’s boons aynyway we figgers what the fukk plus we were alredy pritty stoned (420!!!) so how the fuck bad culd it be, so we went in and saw it and that shit was FUNNYY!!!!!! Evin tho it was kinda lyke 300, at times, but it was kinda funnier, and the fat guy who hit Borat in the face wth his nutsack was init as the badguy and the dood who was Hercooless o0n the TeVee sho (ya I kno more gay history sheet) and Karmin Lecktra wooz hott!! Their were alott of funny jokes. I giv MMET THE SPARTANS 4 starz and two thums up (yore ASS!!) becuzz it was pritty funny. 420!! ICP!!! Peace \m/ G-MAC

As mentioned in a previous article about violence, the latest “Rambo” film has 263 deaths in it. This is an astounding number and a true testament to the brilliance that is Sylvester Stallone that he can cram into less than 90 minutes that many dead people, bullets, guts, explosions and torn ligaments.Before we get into the movie, I just wanted to point out a few funny things I have noticed on the web lately relating to the “Rambo” craze that is evidently sweeping the nation. Topless Robot have come up with 5 ‘Rambo Solutions’ to ‘5 Everyday Office Problems’ my favorite of which is how Rambo manages to solve save the day when the office copy machine has run out of toner.Cracked also do a brilliant job of comparing and contrasting ‘John Rambo’ against Bruce Willis’ ‘John McClane’ character from the “Die Hard” franchise and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ‘T-800′ from the “Terminator” franchise to find out which character is the “Baddest Man Ever Captured on Film.” ‘Rambo’ of course gets a 9/10 “Bad ass” compared to McClane’s 7/10 and T-800’s 8/10. (I’d be interested to see how Javier Bardem’s character in “No Country for Old Men” would score…)

Now to discuss the movie which I have just returned from seeing. Sadly, “Rambo” did not win this weekend’s box office. Instead that title belongs to the probably dreadful “Meet the Spartans” but “Rambo” should be the #1 film this weekend because it is the most violent, most hilarious and also the most American film ever made. Without getting too much into the plot I can tell you that the film has something to do with Burma, a bunch of Christ-loving doctors and a whole lot of really gross Burmese soldiers who like to rape, pillage and hold white people hostage.

Of course when trouble comes calling ‘Rambo’ is there to pick up the phone and the machette and he and a band of mercenaries get on a boat “Apocalypse Now” style and go down river to save all of the hostages from the evil Burmese army.

263 deaths, a ton of blood and guts and limbs later “Rambo” is victorious. But in the process, you and your fellow audience members have bonded and reminded yourself that in the face of danger, in the face of evil, it is stupid to back down. Especially if you are one hell of an amazing guerilla warrior killing machine like John Rambo.