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by Ronnie Pudding

Glenn Beck’s THE CHRISTMAS SWEATER – a review

 

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Standing shoulder-to-shoulder with such holiday classics as It’s a Wonderful Life, Wal-Mart’s annual Black Friday trampling and my weird Uncle Barry’s frottage-enhanced back rubs we find Glenn Beck’s “feel-good-errific” The Christmas Sweater. First a book, then a one-man-show, and now a theatrical simulcast of the aforementioned one-man-show-cum-infomercial care of Fathom Events, Beck’s entry into the Christmas cannon has touched the lives of literally thousands of white, old, morbidly obese Americans in search of something vaguely uplifting yet entirely lacking in substance or meaning. Which is how I, being one such searcher, found myself at Burbank’s AMC Theatre this evening, where an encore showing of The Christmas Sweater (aka The Road to Redemption) was due to grace the silver screen.

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At first I was reluctant to plunk down eighteen dollars for the privilege of watching a sweat-drenched Beck running through his gamut of not one but two voice characters. What with the economy in shambles and all, and I having lost my job at the mill, and a lung to the cancer, that eighteen dollars could’ve just as easily been spent on formula for the twins, or a Christmas present for my wife, or on a down payment for a new lung. But in hindsight I am certain that the choice I made was the right one. Fuck the twins, fuck my wife (please) and fuck Beck’s detractors: I was in need of some healin’ and The Christmas Sweater was chemotherapy for my heathen soul.

Based on true events completely fabricated by Glenn Beck, The Christmas Sweater tells of Eddie — a paunchy, balding, sweat-drenched twelve-year-old who lives with his mother. Eddie’s father died – no doubt by his own hand from the shame of having sired such an annoying effeminate twat of a son – forcing Eddie’s mother to raise the boy alone. Eddie’s mother works two jobs “to spend more time with Eddie” (?), leaving them so destitute that Eddie has to wear bread bags over his shoes (per the vernacular of my old Crip set, “ghetto galoshes”). However they’re not so poor that they can’t afford yarn, so Eddie’s mother knits him the titular sweater, putting all her heart and love and grease and a bunch of other maudlin emotions into every stitch.

Eddie, being the sort of greedy prick who might charge eighteen bucks for a simulcast of a fucking infomercial, naturally resents his mother’s sweater as it is not the bicycle he’d prayed to Jesus for. Eddie’s resentment sets in motion a hee-larious chain of events that ends in the death of his mother, leaving the noob orphan to live on a farm with his grandparents who both sound just like Gabby Hayes. Oh, and as it turns out the bicycle he’d traded his mother’s life for had been waiting for him in his grandparents’ barn all along. Guess yours is not only a cruel god but one with a taste for irony, Eddie.

In the farmhouse next door there lives a kindly old pedophile named Russell. Russell also sounds just like Gabby Hayes, but he also bends over when he talks and speaks entirely in metaphor. When Eddie first meets Russell he is seducing a horse by telling the horse that he loves it. Russell eventually fucks the horse, or so we assume, leaving Eddie to stew in existential ennui until he decides to run away. Eddie winds up in a corn field which leads him to a broken road where a menacing, black, socialist storm looms on the horizon. Eddie starts weeping uncontrollably until Russell magically appears to coax him into the storm and rape him repeatedly. As they emerge from the rape-storm Eddie finds his world has transformed into a Technicolor utopia where the colors seem to be alive, and everything is “white.” Eddie wakes up to the smell of pancakes and discovers that “it was all a dream,” turning Glenn Beck’s lattice of fabrications into an accidental-genius work of post modern meta-bullshit.

What was not a dream, however, was the underlying message: Buy Glenn Beck’s book. Glenn subtly reminds us of this over and over as he drags out real (and real overweight) people who’ve suffered actual tragedies – not bullshit ones like those detailed in Glenn Beck’s fucking sweater parable – and who for whatever reason found Beck’s book more helpful in dealing with their hardships than the assortment of more affordably-priced Hallmark cards delivering essentially the same message, minus all the sweat, and for a fraction of the cost. But let us get back to the sweat. Through the entirety of Glenn Beck’s performance there is liquid spewing from every pour of his body; a mélange of perspiration, tears, urine, canola oil and Old Spice cologne that enshrouds him like a watery husk as he curls himself into the fetal position whilst an obese black woman sings faux gospel ditties with a soul normally reserved for karaoke night at the Winnipeg Hilton. The various substances leaking through his epidermis required Beck to change shirts no less than 400 times; you could clothe an entire sub-Saharan nation in the pile of discarded oversized tee-shirts and thermals left to rot in the acid-bath of Glenn’s body-water. In summation, The Christmas Sweater was the best Star Wars movie ever, a heart-warming and ultimately meaningless parable of redemption and love and hope and family and whatever the fuck else it is you semi-literate Republicans want to read about. Oh, and buy Glenn’s book. He needs the money more than you.

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by Ronnie Pudding

Review: Transformers: Explosion of the Explosion

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In continuing his lifelong pursuit to quantify the essence of the human spirit, Michael Bay has created a film that is both BOOM! KAPOW! BLOOOOSHE!!! yet literally bursting with the mechanized emotion for BLAMM!!! ZAPOW!!! HOT CHICK RIDING A MOTORCYCLE!! For the joyful glee of wanton nihilism expressed here as BAM! KABOOM!!! GIANT ROBOTS!!! MACHINE GUNS!! yet it is through this flaw in their dynamic that we see Shia LaBouef at his most ZOOOOOOOOOM!!! CAMARO!!! BLAAAAM!!! with the possible exception of Megan Fox, who for all her MINI SKIRT!!! CLEAVAGE ARRRGHH!! EXPLOOOOOOSION!!! for this dichotomy to work, and though there are certainly manifestations of her SLOOOO-MOOOOOOOO!!! KARATE ROBOT!!! BLOOOOOOOGGH!!! likable enough, however her ROBOT TURNING INTO A TRUCK!!! GRRRRRR-CRUSH!!! CRUSH!!! Michael Bay, mirroring his own BOOOM-POW!! EXPLOOOOOSIOOOOON!!!! ROBOT ROBOT BOOOM!!!! humanity isn’t enough; it serves as a greater metaphor for BLARRRRRRZZ-SPLOSION HOT CHICK!! ROBOT!!! FERRARI EXPLOSION!!! enough to know where machine ends, and human begins?

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by D B

The Haunting in Connecticut

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Connecticut is a scary place. My ex-girlfriend’s family comes from there and although I’ve never been, I can imagine what crazy shit transpires in Joe Lieberman’s state.

I’m sure there’s a lot of gifelte fish eating hijinx and other David Letterman-related wackyness, but apparently the movie “The Haunting in Connecticut” has nothing to do with my ex’s Jewish family or the late night talk show host.

Apparently, the film, released on March 27, 2009 is of the “horror/thriller” genre and is based on the ‘alleged true story’ of the Snedeker family’s encounter with the paranormal in Southington, Connecticut.

I sometimes think of myself as a para-normal. Which to me, means I am paralyzed at the thought that I am normal. Isn’t that what that word means? No? OK, well whatever.

The ‘alleged true story’ was featured in an actual book by an actual writer. His name is Ray Garton and apparently Connecticut is so scary a place that the film crew re-enacting the ‘allegedly true story’ were too afraid to shoot the film in that state and instead opted for the safer route and shot the film in Teulon and Winnipeg, Manitoba. That’s Canada for you people who failed geography.

Anyhow, the story revolves around this family that is forced to relocate to a clinic where their teenage son is being treated for cancer. (Can you say uplifting and heart-warming?) The family begins experiencing violent, supernatural events that the parents first blame on stress and hallucinations from the boy’s illness and treatment. The family later discovers the home’s haunted past, and seeks the assistance of a local priest.

I’ve never seen “The Exorcist” (OK, I am a pussy, I admit it.) But I think that this is the same plot line.

Some people say that this ‘allegedly true story’ is a fabrication and actually took place in California (on the Universal Studio lot perhaps or maybe in the commissary at Fox during a drunken lunch staff writer’s meeting.)

Who cares if its true or not or whether Rotten Tomatoes has given the film a 19% positive rating, scary films are good if you are a teenager or are dating one and want to get to 2nd base. You see, (a little pointer from the pro) when the music begins to get all dramatic and chilling, that’s when you squeeze the chick’s hand and let her know that you will keep her safe no matter what happens. Sure, its only a movie and everyone knows that there is no iminent threat to you or your date, but the psychological sub-text is delivered with just a simple hand tightening and as a result you will get to experience the sweet suppleness of your teenage girlfriend’s supple breasts in your hands within 2 to 3 hours.

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by admin

11 Must-See Movies of 2008

There are 11 films that were released in 2008 that qualify for the Academy Awards that we here at BOPSy will bestow our “MUST SEE” mark on. Here they are:


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MILK
Sean Penn is most likely to get a nomination for Best Actor and Gus Van Sant is probably going to score for his direction of this important message film.

WALTZ WITH BASHIR
This is an Israeli film and Israel’s submission to the Academy for Best Foreign Language film (last year’s submission “Beaufort” was a finalist and a nominee). It is an animated film that tells the story of a man who served in the IDF in Lebanon in the 1980’s. Look for possible nominations in documentary (not sure it qualifies) and in the animation category (again, I’m not sure it will qualify.)

DOUBT
The film based on the award winning play matches up the best actors working today. Meryl Streep, Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Amy Adams combine in the film version of the play written by John Patrick Shanley. Look for several acting nominations and perhaps an adapted screenplay nomination for this film.

THE DARK KNIGHT
Heath Ledger might get a nomination for Best Supporting Actor and the film grossed almost a billion dollars worldwide. Not as good as “Batman Begins” in my opinion “The Dark Knight” only has 2 minor flaws (I didn’t love the character or appearance of ‘Two Face’ towards the end and Maggie Gyllenhall is no Katie Holmes and the experience of watching the film loses slight believability when Gyllenahall walks into a room and Christian Bale looks as if she were a goddess and in reality she looks like Gylenhall a second rate Jewish actress from the San Fernando valley.) Nevertheless, Christopher Nolan has done a superb job with this franchise and the Academy should reward him handsomely this year for the consistent good work.

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AUSTRALIA
Although the length of this film probably warrants an intermission or a two part film instead of a single standing ‘epic’ Baz Luhrmann (”Moulin Rouge“) is clearly a cinematic genius and he delivers a heart-felt classical epic about his home country of Australia that will garner several technical nominations from the Academy this year. Hugh Jackman is outstanding in his best role yet and Nicole Kidman is solid (despite having over-indulged in lip collagen prior to lensing this film.) Perhaps a surprise Supporting Actor nomination for 12-year-old child actor Brandon Walters who plays the half-aboriginal role of ‘Nulla.’

TROPIC THUNDER
Ben Stiller’s homage to and parody of the 1970’s Vietnam epics is hilarious, poignant and entertaining in the best possible way. Tom Cruise and Robert Downey Jr. might both pick up acting nominations and Stiller is a darkhorse for a writing or a director nomination with this film.

WALL-E
This animated film might be the first to break through past the Animation category (created in 2001) and win awards in other categories. Honestly, I haven’t seen an animated film this good or important sicne I saw “Fantasia” when I was 8 years old. With “Wall-E” Pixar has created a Best Picture contender and a film that speaks more to adults than to the core audience the film attracted – kids.

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FROST/NIXON
Ron Howard picked a winner when he read the Peter Morgan (”The Queen” and “Last King of Scotland”) screenplay to this film and decided to do it. Ultimately, it’s a very small movie, but the set-up that creates the acting tension between actors Michael Sheen (British talkshow host ‘David Frost’) and Frank Langella (’President Richard Nixon’) is engaging and dramatic. It’s highly likely that this film will receive multiple nominations.

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
Sam Mendes (”America Beauty” and “The Green Mile“) teams up with wife Kate Winslet who re-teams with “Titanic” co-star Leonardo DiCaprio in this epic film about a young couple consumed in their normal suburban lives by their own desires to break free.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON
David Fincher’s tale of a man born old and forced to live life backwards is one of the most talked about and anticipated films of 2008. Brad Pitt’s performance is good, and so is that of Cate Blanchett. Fincher did some incredible stuff here, but ultimately the film runs long and for some misses the mark and this might cause the film to fall short of winning many Oscars, but it can be certain that this film will pick up several nominations.

THE WRESTLER
After a long career with few movies made in it, Darren Aronofsky has returned to the scope of film that he is most comfortable in – small. Not to say that the $50 million budget of “The Fountain” was gigantic by Hollywood standards, but it seems like that film took Aronofsky to far away from the people who live in his comfort zone. Also, with “The Wrestler” Aronofsky tells the story straight with very little editing tricks to make the story work. Mickey Rourke is superb and is my choice thus far for Best Actor along with Sean Penn and Marisa Tomei gives her most vulnerable and beautiful performance in years.

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SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE
Danny Boyle has been a very good director up until this film. Now, it can be said that Boyle is an outstanding director. He utilizes a smartly structured book and screenplay adaptation in just the right way, pacing his film set in India to music and imagery acceptable to the Western audiences that have fallen in love with it, yet authentic to the film itself. After watching the film the second time, I was able to notice a lot of Boyle’s directorial choices and consciously understand how brilliant they were. This one might win all the marbles, but at the very least it will get a Best Picture nomination as well as Best Director for Boyle.

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