Like a lot of you, I was there front and center last night for the opening of Indiana Jones and the Mystery of the Crystal Skull. And like a lot of you, I was mildly disappointed. Which is not to say I didn’t enjoy it; however my enjoyment tasted a tad bittersweet. The franchise no longer packs the punch that it did in my youth, when my Uncle Allan would take me to Indiana Jones movies as an excuse to show me the “surprise” waiting for me buried underneath the popcorn in a bucket on his lap. The lastest Indy movie hit all the beats; it just didn’t seem like anyone’s hearts were in it – not the writers’, not the director’s, and definitely not Harrison Ford’s. Parts of it were great, but some parts were laughably bad, and as you’ll see from the following recap, some (like the ending) were just blatantly offensive.
SPOILERS AHEAD
Film opens with a title card reading 1987. Dr. Jones is now a decrepit old man working in a Muncie, Indiana roller skating rink. The rink’s owner, Mr. Sullivan, informs Indy that it’s the night of the big break-dancing competition and he doesn’t want him doing anything to screw it up. Jones mutters something cranky and Mr. Sullivan tells him that if doesn’t adjust his attitude he’s going to make him go back to the halfway house, where old men like him are raped repeatedly until their sphincters blow out, then dragged out back and shot. Jones looks scared at first, but as soon as Mr. Sullivan turns to walk away Indy calls him a “turd-eater.” Apparently this is a reference to something that happened during the opening credits, off-screen. Mr. Sullivan turns around to say something but he can’t. Tears roll down his cheeks. Mr. Sullivan runs away and Jones smiles and says “told ya!” to his pet monkey Steven (in this movie, Jones has a pet monkey named Steven).
Cut to later that night: the break-dancing competition is in full swing. Indy grimaces off the rap music blasting through the PA system, and tells his pet monkey that it sounds like “somebody shit on an electric organ.” But just as the break-dancers are about to start the quarter-final round a neo-nazi S.W.A.T. team armed with lasers bursts into the rink and starts blasting everyone in sight. Jones pulls out his trademark bullwhip and starts kicking ass and taking names, which seemed kind of ridiculous considering he’s supposed to be 80 years old and had been using a walker up until this point. Even more ridiculous was the fact that they used the same “da-na-na-na-na” sound effect from the Six Million Dollar Man whenever Indy would punch out some Nazi, or jump 20 feet into the air over some moving tank. I guess we’re supposed to assume that Indiana Jones is now bionic but that doesn’t explain why he still uses a walker whenever it’s convenient. One of the Nazis pulls out a couple of sabres and does an ornate sword dance a la the first film, allowing Jones to recycle his trademark line, “that’s not a knife — THIS is a knife.” Indy pulls out a Rambo knife and cuts off the Nazi’s head with it. Then he pops out one of the Nazi’s eyeballs and starts skull-fucking the severed head while saying “Satchmo!” over and over. This skull-fucking bit happens several times throughout the movie and every time, Jones says “Satchmo.” I guess it’s supposed to be his new catch-phrase but it just seems lame.
Finally all the Nazis are dead, but just when you think their troubles are over, a digital-rendered giant baby (think Jar-Jar Binks, only a baby) challenges Indy to a break-dancing battle. Indy starts popping and locking like his name’s Turbo, humiliating the baby. All the other break-dancers tell the giant baby that he “got served.” At first you think the giant baby’s going to be mad about it but he suddenly transforms into a human teenager named Wendell, played by TV’s Shia LaBeouf. Wendell thanks Indy for lifting the curse, then explains that he’s Indy’s son from an affair he had with a Latvian hooker. Indy says “but I thought your mom got an abortion,” and Wendell says “she tried, but all the abortion doctors were locked in prison for speaking out against the government.” Doctor Jones yells “what idiots!” and they both share a laugh. I guess this was supposed to be their moment of father/son bonding. When they realize that Mr. Sullivan had been killed in the Nazi attack they decide to go on an adventure to retrieve what’s known as the Crystal Skull. Apparently it was invented by Nazi scientists during WWII but was now being used by PepsiCo to give Crystal Pepsi its power of flavor. Indy hopes he can use it to bring Mr. Sullivan back to life because some evil developers want to turn the roller rink into a pornography studio. Jones, LaBeouf and Steven the Monkey get into a bunch of fights and bang some Russian whores then at the end fly a helicopter into the World Trade Center. Just before they crash the helicopter Indy turns to his bastard son and says “someday, son, some true heroes will do exactly what we’re doing — but with 747s -– in their fight against American Imperialism. They will call those men the heroes of 9/11.” Indy and Wendell actually survive the helicopter crash but on the way to the hospital Indiana Jones dies. Of AIDS.
Overall it was still an enjoyable film, and I’m sure it’ll go on to make hundreds, if not thousands of dollars. It just wasn’t as good as the originals, or at least not as good as I’d remembered them. I guess that’s the problem with getting older. Sometimes reality doesn’t live up to the memories.
