Raaaaaaape!

Obviously a Creature from the Black Lagoon redouche was inevitable, because a) it is a movie that exists and b) remaking movies that already exist requires no original thought, thus freeing its makers to focus their creative and intellectual energies on more important stuff, like figuring out the exact amount of CG it will take to make it suck, then using way more CG than that. Also there is the tricky business of figuring out which dated Ozzfest band’s song will be used over the end credits, and which personality-free teenager from CW’s flavor-of-the-month show should be used to suck all the life out of every scene requiring a love interest. Because make no mistake, Hollywood’s intentions are noble; true, they will only mine the dusty recesses of their back catalogs for fodder to make movies from, but rather than render these beloved classics insignificant by making remakes that are actually GOOD, they will shit out pointless cheez-whiz karaoke versions that will be all but forgotten by the time the BluRay comes out. God bless you, lady Hollywood, for you do the Lord’s work.

So it looks like the director charged with making the Creature from the Black Lagoon remake forgettably shitty will be the same guy tasked with crapping out a forgettable Alien prequel: commercial director Carl Rinsch. Commercial directors are absolutely the best kind, as their background is not in telling stories (shudder) but in stringing together a bunch of quick-cut eye candy in order to sell a product. Also, they understand the dynamics of a client-vendor relationship and aren’t caught up in this awful auteur business. Man, I don’t know how Hollywood even functioned before they handed all the director jobs to guys and gals who’d cut their teeth selling dish-washing liquid. Truly those were dark times…

And speaking of dark times, I have a suggestion for Carl Rinsch with regard to his take on this remake: Why not go blaxsploitation? Think about it: Black Creature from the Black Lagoon. How can you miss with a title like that? Or maybe Creature from the Quadroon Lagoon, or Socialist Creature from the Kenyan Lagoon of Socialism, or just call it Obama’s Gonna Get You!!!!!!!! only with a million more exclamation points. Point being that in order for today’s sophisticated audiences to get scared, it’s going to take more than some stunt-man in a rubber monster suit. You’re going to need some actual xenophobic punditry, some talking-point hysteria, and at least one educated black dude. Give your black creature from the socialist lagoon a MBA from Wharton, or a PHD in poli-sci from Princeton, and you’ll have audiences shitting Jesus-shaped bricks.

Tweet This Post 

Spawn of Will Smith – Jaden Smith, who starred with his doting dad in “The Pursuit of Happyness” and will also appear in the new sci-fi remake of “The Day the Earth Stood Still” is going to be in the updated version of the 1984 classic “The Karate Kid.”

The new “Karate Kid” will shoot in Beijing and other international cities and apparently Jaden Smith is already in to martial arts.

Tweet This Post 

Academy Award winning film “Once” (for Best Original Song) – that was literally made for two peanuts and a box of Cracker Jacks – is set to get the Hollywood remake treatment.

Director Kevin Smith has jumped aboard “Busking”, a modern-day musical about a busker and an immigrant and their eventful week in Dublin, as they write, rehearse and record songs that tell their love story.

Colin Farrell and Rosario Dawson are in negotiations to play the leads, with Glen Hansard and Markéta Irglová again providing the music.

Colin Farrell profoundly put it this way:

“Once is like the best fucking movie of 2006… and 2007… It’s twice as good as anything I’ve done in fucking years. I wanted that bitch. So we took it. In our version I’ll of course fuck the girl [the film] will be sweet, but it’ll be sexy too. And I think we can really have some fucking fun here”.

This entire story is bullshit and can be found here

Tweet This Post 

One of my favorite directors in the “game” right now is Peter Berg. He’s the silly-looking actor (he recently played a guest role on an episode of his TV show “Friday Night Lights“) turned director who brilliantly directed 2007’s “The Kingdom” with Jamie Foxx.

Berg’s style is Michael Mann and he uses real-looking actors in his films as well as a cinematography style which borrows from docu-drama cinema.

Now Paramount have announced that they will be re-hashing Frank Hebert’s classic science fiction novel “Dune” with Peter Berg attached to direct.

Former Universal executive, now producer Kevin Misher secured the book rights from the Herbert Estate for Paramount. The 1965 novel is a futuristic story set on a remote desert planet Arrakis which produces the empire’s sole source of the spice Melange — used for distant space travel. An empirewide power struggle breaks out over the control of the spice.

The property, which spawned a classic 1984 David Lynch film as well as a 2000 Sci Fi Channel miniseries starring William Hurt. So Berg’s look and feel will certainly be a third vision.

Paramount is currently out to writers with the hopes that this film will have tent-pole potential. Berg’s upcoming tent-pole picture “Hancock” starring Will Smith releases July 2nd for Sony.

Tweet This Post