HA HA HA HA HA even the one-sheet is hilarious!!

Like most red-white-and-blue-blooded Americans I love apple pie, NASCAR, eagles, ice-cold Budweiser, pick-up trucks, wolf hunting, TGI Fridays’ vast selection of deep-fried appetizers, date rape, circus clowns, gay bashing, celebrity meltdowns, making idiotic threats in broken English to total strangers on internet message boards, plywood, credit card debt, getting aggro with drivers trying to enter my lane on the freeway, crystal meth, curb stomping hobos, and right-wing political satire… almost as much as I love Jesus. So you can bet your 450cc ATV I was there front and center for this weekend’s opening of An American Carol, the OUTRAGEOUS comedy written and directed by David Zucker, the demented genius who brought us Superhero Movie among other works of hilarity. I was so busy laughing my ass off (you might think that 80 minutes of the same Michael-Moore-is-fat gag would get tiresome, but you’d be wrong) that I almost didn’t notice the theater was virtually empty, save for me and a masturbating homeless guy who kept yelling “I am Spartacus!” at the screen just before firing one off. I was saddened of course to think that a hernia-inducing comedic masterpiece like An American Carol would go unappreciated, but I also knew that the American people weren’t to blame. I KNEW it had to be the work of a vast left wing (*cough*JEW*cough*) conspiracy to undermine what may be the funniest non-Larry-the-Cable-Guy movie of this nascent century just because it didn’t align with their freedom-hating, Obama-loving, commie-pinko ideologies.

Turns out I’m not alone in my suspicions, but thankfully the producers of An American Carol aren’t going to take this affront on COMEDIC FREEDOM lying down. Per An American Carol’s official website:

“We have had heard from numerous people across the country that there has been some ticket fraud when buying a ticket for An American Carol this past weekend.

Please check your ticket. If you were in fact one of those people that were ‘mistakenly’ sold a ticket for another movie please fill out the form below. Hold on to your ticket so we can have proof.

If you have noticed other irregularities with the theatres in your area please let us know in the comment section below. For instance, Rated R film rating (when in fact we are rated PG-13), posters not being up, not being listed on the marquee, image or focus problems, sound issues, etc.

Please email us a picture of your ticket stub to

fraud@americancarol.com

We are investigating.”

Thank you! I KNEW there was no way a pro-illegal-immigrant propaganda piece like Beverly Hills Chihuahua resonated with enough Americans to justify its $30 million weekend take. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE talking dogs, almost as much as I love seeing someone get hit in the face with a brick. But those dirty Mexican rat-dogs are a different story. They’re not even real dogs; they’re like part-rodent/part-insect or something. On the brink of an economic meltdown that was clearly Jimmy Carter’s fault, there’s NO way the God-fearing people of USA would’ve wasted their hard-earned U.S. Earth Dollars on a Zapatista rat-dog turd like Beverly Hills Chihuahua on purpose. They tricked us! The dirty Jews liberals tricked us! But it’s still not too late to do something about it.

For more information on how to defend our country against the Liberal Left’s domestic terrorism, please visit An American Carol’s website, interweblinked below:

http://americancarol.com/fraud/

UPDATE: The “fraud” page has since been removed from An American Carol’s website, either because the producers were shamed into doing so or just didn’t want the Liberal Left Illuminati to know they’re on to them. Just keep fighting the good fight, David Zucker! Let those pinko-commie Obama-lovers know you mean business.

NAMBLA Presents.. YOGI THE MOVIE

In what promises to be the Brokeback Mountain of live action/CG hybrids, Warner Bros. announced today that they’ll be dusting off Ike-era America’s favorite gay cartoon animal couple — Yogi Bear and bottom bitch Boo-Boo – for a feature treatment a la New Regency’s unwatchable Alvin & The Chipmunks.

Film shall be directed by “Ash” Brannon, who as far as I know does NOT have a chainsaw for an hand but has worked on such Pixar hits as Toy Story 2, A Bug’s Life, Anthropomorphic Toaster Who Learns to Love, Wendell the Talking Cheese, Gay Robot, and Just Take Your Kids To See This Shit Already. Typing the kiddie-friendly fart jokes and nut shots will be Joshua Sternin and Jeffrey Ventimilia — exec producers of That 70’s Show, but probably best known for killing and eating a hobo last year then getting off on a technicality. What, you don’t remember that? It was in all the newspapers. Okay, that never happened, but it COULD have happened. Producing will be Donald “snort” DeLine for his eponymous WB-situated prodco.

My choice for Ranger Smith? Steve Colbert. He’s got the look and his hatred of bears is well-documented. And while I should probably be spewing black cancer bile all over this project a) I just don’t have the energy anymore b) to be honest, it really doesn’t offend me. I’ve always kind of liked Yogi Bear. Like me he’s a lazy, self-serving asshole, but crafty and kind of a bad-ass. Unlike me he’s a militant, unrepentant homo, but not a sashaying queen like that faggot Snagglepuss. He’s the kind of gay us straight guys can get into; a manly, full-on chickenhawk gay like Rob Halford. I bet he even drives a Harley shovelhead and can throw down with a pair of brass knuckles if he has to. Not saying I’d ask for it, but were he my cellmate at Folsom I wouldn’t be ashamed if he pinned me down and punked me one dark night. So I say Godspeed to you Yogi — you tourist-mauling, picnic-basket-loving, hat-wearing gay ursine — and welcome to the big show.

Pint-sized pop-star David Archuleta is set to make his acting debut in an episode of Nickelodeon’s “iCarly.”

The “American Idol Season 7″ runner-up will play himself when the cameras roll on Thursday, Nickelodeon confirmed. “iCarly” is about a high school student, played by Miranda Cosgrove, who runs a video blog with friends.

In the episode titled “iRocked the Vote,” the 16-year-old Archuleta plays a contestant on an Idol-style show called ‘America Sings.’

Archuleta recently released his first music video for the song “Crush,” which will appear on his self-titled debut album, due November 11th on Jive Records.

The episode of “iCarly” will air next spring.

Former “Baywatch” star Pamela Anderson had to tell her 10 and 12 year-old sons about the sex tape she made with their father drummer Tommy Lee and the scandal that erupted after its distribution.

Because the scandal becomes a pivotal part of the “Borat” movie, Anderson felt it was time to reveal all about it to them before the boys found out from friends.

Anderson says:

“I explained to them… ‘Mom and daddy run about naked all the time and we taped some things… and someone stole the tape. They really wanted to see Borat and I finally had a breakdown and let them because all their friends had (seen it) and I said: ‘There are a few things we have to talk about before you see Borat. So I did sit down with them and watch Borat. I kind of went ‘La la la’ over the parts I didn’t want them to hear… I tried to muddle through that.”