As most of you have heard, and many probably saw, a Scientology video starring none other than Tom Cruise was leaked yesterday. If you weren’t lucky enough to catch it before it was pulled, don’t worry; I’ve got your back. Below is a transcript of what you missed. While I couldn’t understand even a single fucking thought he was trying to string together, watching it over and over and over has helped me understand one thing. He really has lost it.

A guitar riff which sounds oddly familiar to that of the MISSION IMPOSSIBLE theme song kicks up in the background. Coincidence? I think not. The video opens with a shot of the Earths edge. I’m in awe. The narrator begins to speak and I cant help but think that what I am watching is either A) A great marketing stunt to promote Tom’s next movie or B) A trailer for the next great spoof movie that studios still think people want to see and yet still aren’t funny.

NARRATOR:

…but if that’s what Mr. Cruise has brought to this world, there still remains one more word on the man. Call it Tom Cruise on, Tom Cruise… Scientologist.

Seriously?

Scientology logos and cheesy sound effects spill forth snapping me back in time to something strangely reminiscent of what you would see on “A Current Affair.” Cut to… a medium shot of Tom Cruise. Black turtleneck, some stubble on his chin, his hair a little tussled to keep us from being reminded that his stylist is probably sitting just outside of the cameras view. The lighting looks like something Roger Deakins himself might even be proud to call his own… and for some reason I keep feeling like I’m watching him as Frank T.J. Mackey all over again.

What follows is a montage of Mr. Cruise speaking. It’s frenetic. No questions are ever asked and we never know what he is talking about exactly. I like to call it “rambling.” It’s like listening to a two year old, but less coherent. The shots are strung together with a type of flash cut, the only thing tying it all together in is the music that you just keep hoping stops.

MR. CRUISE:

I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist and its something that you have to earn…and, because a Scientologist does…he, or she, has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions. Uhhh, being a Scientologist you look at someone and you know absolutely that you can help them.

So for me it really is KSW (who?) and its just like, its something that, uh…(pause)…I don’t mince words with that. You know, with anything that (insert illegible name) does, but that policy to me has really gone, (sound effect and gesture – pshew) boy and, theres a time when I went through and I said you know what, and when I read it you know, I just went (poof type sound effect). This is it. This is exactly it.

Being a Scientologist…when you drive past an accident it’s not like anyone else….as you drive past you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one who can really help.

Read the rest of this entry »

My Kid Could Paint That…

Documentaries have largely been ignored by the Hollywood business until two things happened:

1) Michael Moore wins Cannes Palmes D’Or in 2004 with Fahrenheit 9/11 and film grosses $119 million in North America ($222 million worldwide)

2) March of the Penguins is released in 2005 - a national geographic type film narrarated by Morgan Freeman - and the film grosses $77 million in North America ($127 million worldwide)

Since March of the Penguins, 13 documentaries have been released grossing more than $1 million in US box office. And this is just the beginning, the docs are coming and they are coming big time. Perhaps the reason docs are coming in full-force is because they are relatively cheap to make and have a good after-life on TV and work well with potential buyer channels such as Sundance, Discovery, National Geographic and The History Channel which all of a global presence.

In addition companies such as the do-gooder brain-child of Jeff Skoll Participant actively seek to make or be associated with documentaries. And similarly actors such as Leonardo DiCaprio and George Clooney seek to be associated with causes merged with film in order to get their opinions expressed.

This weekend there are four documentaries releasing:

My Kid Could Paint That a film directed by Israeli-American Amir Bar-Lev about a four year old painter’s works that have been compared to Picasso’s. The film was nominated for the Grand Jury Prize at the Sundance Film Festival. Sony Classics will be releasing the film on 8 screens (NYC/LA)

Lake of Fire is a Tony Kaye (director of American History X) hot-button piece that examines the abortion debate and enlists Noam Chomsky and Alan Dershowitz to discuss the relevant issues. The film is currently only playing at Film Forum on 209 W. Houston St., New York, NY 10014, 212-727-8110

Kurt Cobain About a Son is a film from Balcony Releasing which features 25 hours of previously unheard audiotaped interviews conducted with Cobain by music journalist Michael Azerrad for his book “Come As You Are: The Story of Nirvana.” In the film, Kurt Cobain recounts his own life and offers piercing insights into his life and music. The film is playing at the IFC Center in New York at 323 Sixth Ave., New York, NY 10014, 212-924-7771

Finishing the Game is not really a documentary, but rather a mockumentary from Justin Lin. Lin’s career apparently is back on track after this critically acclaimed film (Sundanec 2007) which followed disastrous turns in directing both Annapolis and The Fast And the Furious: Tokyo Drift following his debut film Better Luck Tomorrow. The film focuses on Bruce Lee’s death and the studio executives making and efforts to finish the film Game of Death. The film is released by IFC and is only playing at the IFC Center at 323 Sixth Ave., New York, NY 10014, 212-924-7771