In celebration of our country’s assumption of independent statehood, Senator Jesse Helms died yesterday. He was 10,000 years old.
A five-term North Carolina senator, Helms was perhaps best known for hating black people, Chinamen, Canadians, gays, women, puppies, circus clowns, rainbows, warm summer days, love songs, table tennis and sentient life. What was NOT generally known about Helms is that he was actually one of the masked members of the band Slipknot. In fact he was this guy:
When he wasn’t touring with his metal band or submitting legislation that would require all minorities to live in heavily-guarded labor camps until they could no longer work 15-hour days, at which point they would be ground into a protein-rich nutrient paste for use as an additive in McDonald’s hamburgers, Helms enjoyed blowing hobos. A lot. Not a day went by when Jesse Helms didn’t have some drifter’s junk in his mouth. He’d let the spooge drool down his chin and he’d say “yummy!” over and over again until the hobo got scared and ran away. Then he’d shoot the hobo in the back. The end.
The happy face of now dead Russian supermodel Ruslana Korhunova
I’m thinking of starting a band and calling it “Supermodel Suicide” – tell me that’s not the fucking coolest name ever?
Of course I was inspired by the story of 20-year-old Russian supermodel Ruslana Korshunova who graced the cover of Vogue in Russia and plummeted to her death on Saturday in Manhattan. For some pictures of the scene on the street check this out…
And I just read the excerpts from her blog (hilarity) - I mean is this supposed to give us insight as to why she commited suicide or as to how poor her English was or how lame her 20-year-old brain was?
Did you know that that in Borat’s homeland (Ruslana was actually from Kazakhstan) suicide is 3 times more popular than it is in the United States with teen girls - now you do….
Worst of all I found out that this hottie was dating a douchebag and that her previous boyfriend was also a douchebag….
So band rehearsals and auditions start in a week. Our first performance will be in Manhattan, we’ll be performing in the street. The middle of the street - on our backs….
20-year-old fashion model Ruslana Korshunova committed suicide after falling from a window of her lower Manhattan apartment.
Korshunova, originally from the former Russian republic of Kazakhstan, has appeared on the covers of European editions of Elle and Vogue magazines and in ads for DKNY, Vera Wang, Marc Jacobs and other designers.
Known for her distinctive long hair and green eyes, Korshunova died after falling from the balcony of her ninth floor apartment at 130 Water Street near the Financial District around 2:30 p.m. Saturday afternoon.
George Carlin, American hero, passed away today at Saint John’s Medical Center in Santa Monica, CA. He was 71.
The legendary comedian built a career out of pushing boundaries, challenging the establishment, and questioning social mores. That he was able to survive the Nixon and Bush II presidencies without the CIA putting a bullet in him, or shooting him with their cancer guns (a la Bill Hicks), is amazing in and of itself. But beyond that he was fucking FUNNY. The real sort of funny that we rarely see anymore. The kind of funny that doesn’t require some stupid nostalgic pop-culture reference, annoying catch-phrase or exposed penis to work.
Besides being an American hero, George Carlin was a personal hero to ME. He’s a big part of why my comedic stylings are what they are — so you can either thank him for that, or wish death on him. Oops, too late. Anyway, the below is not only one of my favorite Carlin routines, it’s my fucking manifesto: RAPE CAN BE FUNNY.
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