Back when I was just a third grader slinging llello in Ms. Pfau’s class, I was able to afford several luxuries that other non-drug selling 8 years olds couldn’t. Diamond encrusted pogo balls, Dolce and Gabbana slap bracelets, a private booth overflowing with Cristal at Jumbo’s Clown Room — Yep, life was good. I had my money, my bitches and my custom flavored Otter Pops. What flavor Otter Pops you ask? Well how about the flavor of vagina? Fresh, young, vagina.

All’s was well until a cold November day when Ms. Pfau told the class we had a visitor. He wore an oversized trench coat that screamed, “Hey kids, let’s party,” but this mutt was all business. Boys and Girls, from the NYC 33rd precinct, I give you Crime Dog McGruff and the end of my childhood. Featured on “The Simpsons,” “Family Guy,” “Dexter’s Laboratory” and the 2000 album “Take a Bite Outta Rhyme,” McGruff was an international superstar known for banging prostitutes (doggy style of course) and then hauling their torn up asses to jail. His methods were unorthodox and he never did anything by the book – probably because he was a dog and dogs can’t read. McGruff taught kids everywhere about drugs, bullying, safety and the importance of staying in school. Kids listened to Mcgruff, because if you didn’t listen to Mcgruff, he’d pin you down, whip out his red rocket and fire off two rounds of AIDS. He was truly a bad dog.

It’s been over 18 years since that infamous day at Chaparral Elementary School. As for me, well I’m now drug free and write a blog that is read by four, maybe five people. Sadly, the same can’t be said for Mcrguff. Having sold his trench coat for crack and using the leftover money to sniff stripper ass at Jumbo’s, it’s almost as if Mcgruff and I are in some sort of kick ass body switching movie. Unfortunately for Mcgruff, while I’m still banging third graders and eating Otter Pops, he’s awaiting his final sleep at The Fog City Doggie Kennels in San Francisco. What a douchebag.

Next week’s Where Are They Now: LeVar Burton

Tags: where are they now, crime dog, mcgruff, llello

“I love headlines that include the words “squirrel” and “attack”.

Ooooooooh man! Turns out Keith Coogan writes a blog about squirrel attacks! Please read that last sentence one more time before continuing. Keith Coogan — the guy who played “Stoner #1” in IN THE ARMY NOW — writes a blog — about squirrel attacks. You think I’m kidding? See for yourself:

http://hollywoodkids.blogspot.com/2006/09/i-love-headlines-that-include-words.html

Who’s kidding now fuck face! Keith also answers questions about himself on the IMDB message boards AND has a MySpace page that isn’t fake:

http://www.myspace.com/keithcoogan

God I love life! Thank you Dickhead Q. Phinneas. Thank you for being such a douchebag!

Before Sept. 11th, The Tsunami, and the Iraq war, the only place to turn to for comedy was ABC’s “Full House.” The story of a dog named Comet and the Chinese family that struggled not to eat him, “Full House” starred Detroit’s own Dave Coulier as struggling comedian Joey Gladstone. By far the most famous talent on the show, Dave entertained children everywhere with his uncanny impressions of Bullwinkle, Popeye, Hitler and Scooby Doo. The show made Coulier bigger than Jesus and he capitalized on this newfound fame by starring in the 1987 blockbuster hit: YOGI BEAR AND THE MAGICAL FLIGHT OF THE SPRUCE GOOSE. The film earned 9 Academy Awards including Best Picture and proved to the world that “Cool-Yay” was here to stay. He didn’t act again for another 14 years.

With a comeback in full effect, I was honored when Dave Coulier accepted my request to interview him for this column. He made me promise that I wouldn’t bring up YOGI AND THE MAGICAL FLIGHT, but nothing else was off limits. Dave wanted this interview to be raw and real. Here’s the transcript:

Me: Dave, let me start off by saying what a huge fan I am and what an honor it is to meet you.
Dave Coulier: Cut…It…Out.
Me: Holy shit that’s funny. Dave, do you like baseball?
Dave Coulier: I don’t think the ranger’s gonna like that Yogi.
Me: O.K.
[Long silence]
Me: After playing Uncle Joey for so many years on “Full House,” did you find it difficult to land roles outside of the family genre?
Dave Coulier: I’m Bullwinkle!
Me: Uh-huh. Anyways, you starred on the “Surreal Life: Season 3,” what was it like living for two weeks with Jordan Knight?
Dave Coulier: Did somebody say — “WOOD!”
Me: Dude, stop it.
Dave Coulier: Jane, get me off this crazy thing!
Me: Seriously, it’s getting kind of lame.
Dave Coulier: You’re in big trouble mister!
Me: Wasn’t that Michelle?
Dave Coulier: Well blow me down. Aw ga ga ga ga ga.
Me: You’re a fucking douchebag.

As an 8-year-old kid growing up in Brooklyn, I really only had 3 goals in life: to own a monkey, become an American Gladiator and to bang the shit out of the hot ass daughter from ALF. Having accomplished 2 of these goals, I’ve now set forth trying to find a pet store that sells monkeys…. giggitty giggitty… giggitty goo. As Lynn Tanner, Andrea Elson confused young boys everywhere when their underoos suddenly didn’t fit as well as they did during “Bobby’s World.” From “Silver Spoons” to “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose,” Andrea had “it” and by “it,” I mean the ability to convince a guy that going to jail for rape just might be worth “it.”

So whatever happened to this brace-face sex kitten? Did she end up posing for playboy? Or following in the footsteps of her TV father Max Wright by blowing a bunch of homeless dudes for crack (“Hey Willy”)? Sadly, I don’t know. The truth is, after murdering her husband and sodomizing her with his cock, the courts deemed me “unsafe” and allowed Andrea to take a restraining order out against me. Jokes on her though, just last week I kidnapped her 8-year-old daughter and convinced her that my semen tastes like rainbows and sunshine. Who’s the douchebag now Elson? Who’s the douchebag now?