Dedicated to Bingo.

8:48 – I’m running 48 minutes late due to being called gay by my brother for wanting to watch American Idol instead of going out for drinks. I realized when I finally got home that I probably seem even gayer because I already had my TIVO set to record the show.

8:50 Here we go! Ryan Seacrest says the show is not airing tonight because there’s going to be a special “Moment of Truth” episode. You’ve got to be kidding me! Wait, what? It’s just an April Fool’s joke? OHMIGOD ROTFLMAO. He’s so fucking funny. THIS is American Idol

8:52 Ryan’s suit is extra shiny tonight – I notice these kinds of things.

8:53 DOLLY “Tits McGee” PARTON is going to help the contestants tonight. True story, Dolly hit on me in Vegas and I got pictures of her kissing me. When I got the pictures developed (yeah, I’m that old), turns out I had some beer goggles on, because what I thought was Dolly, was actually a tranny impersonator.

8:54 I don’t know what’s creepier, that Dolly Parton looks like Skeletor with huge boobs and a blonde wig, or that I kind of want to titty-fuck Skeletor.

8:55 First up, performing “Jolene” is Brooke White. I don’t know what it is about Brooke White, but I’m not buying the “I’ve never seen a rated “R” movie, or been DP’d before.” I guess her performance was OK but I couldn’t take my eyes off the violinist with the mullet – way to rock bro! Keep the dream alive. Anyways, Paula gave her the best criticism of all the judges when she said, “You are Brooke White.” Thanks Paula!

9:00 Commercial for “Alvin and The Chipmunks” being released on DVD. Is it just me, or does the tagline “Get Munk’d” sound oddly sexual? I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure getting “Munk’d” is playground lingo for when a guy throws up in a girl’s vagina. Now that I think about it, that’s probably what watching the Alvin and The Chipmunks movie is like. Well-played Fox/New Regency marketing.

9:02 Next up is David Cook and he’s wearing dog tags – Randy is going to like that. He’s performing “Little Sparrow” and he’s decided to go for his own arrangement instead of stealing from other artists and not giving them credit. Dolly just put her boobs in his face. His performance reminds me of the saxophonist on the beach in the LOST BOYS but gayer. Randy and Paula like it, Simon called him a faggot – no joke!

9:07 Performing “Everything Bad” (I think that’s what it’s called) is Rameiele? Ramaiels? Ranviele? Performing “Everything Bad” is that slanty eyed chick. Hey slut! The show’s called “AMERICAN Idol,” not “Me Rikey Hello Kitty Idol.” Get off the stage and get back to giving my girlfriend a manicure – and by girlfriend I mean my Rainbow Brite doll (she gives great head…)

9:14 Ryan is reading stalker mail to Jason Castro. One of the postcards says something about his voice being as sweet as Colorado? The crowd seemed to think it was sweet but I was too busy getting lost in Jason’s eyes – uhh… I mean, fucking mad bitches. So, Jason is performing “Travelin Through” and get this, Dolly said “I would hate to have to dread those locks.” Hey Tal, did you see what Dolly did right there? It’s a play on words. Jason is definitely taking a motorboat down lake Parton after the show. I like this kid. Reminds me of a young Zack De La Rocha, but way less pissed off about the government and that Mexican guy on all those flags, I think his name is Che. Paula really likes him too – looks like Jason is going to need a little more fuel for that motor boat. Simon didn’t like him nearly as much.

9:22 And now, Carly is singing some other song by Dolly that I’ve never heard of. Holy shit, Carl Winslow from “Die Hard” is playing the acoustic guitar and he’s killing it. Oh snap, Simon just criticized Carly’s outfit. OH NO HE DIDN’T. Hey remember that episode of “Family Matters” where Laura has a dream that Eurkel makes an atomic bomb and blows up Chicago? Holy shit balls was that funny.

9:30 Hey everyone, it’s David Archuleta performing Parton’s “Smoky Mountain Memories” (more like “Smoky Mountain Mammories!” Hey Tal). Anyways, here’s the thing – I’m only kidding when I say I’m gay, but both David and I were wearing the same argyle sweater tonight! Fate? Well, I know one boner that’s nodding his head yes.

9:40 At this point I stopped watching because SISTER ACT 2 came on television and if you think I’m racist for switching off American Idol right when the black chick came on, well then, why was I watching SISTER ACT 2? Think about that! I’m sure the girl probably did one of those runs where they sing one note for ten minutes and I’m sure the Australian guy performing after her probably wore a scarf, all’s I know is Whoopi is about to get “Back in The Habbit.” Good times.

So who’s my pick to go this week? I’m gonna say David Archuleta. Oh, I thought you meant go straight to my heart….

For real, I’m picking the slanty eye chick. See you next week. McWo out!

by Wodi McWo

“GO” – Hanson – FIRE VERSION

Let’s pretend for a second that we don’t live in a world full of poverty, racism, global warming and children who grow up being taught that my penis isn’t the bass player for the Wiggles. Now take that one second and multiply it by two hundred and forty-fucking-five because that’s exactly what Hanson has done with this video from their 2007 Nobel Prize winning, planet aligning album “THE WALK.” It’s been almost 10 years since that magical lake house summer where I masturbated thrice daily to the video for MMMbop before finally being told that they were actually guys. Did that stop me from frying the circuits of televisions everywhere with bucket loads of cum every time it came on? You’re goddamn right it didn’t.

The video opens on a burning building (hopefully full of minorities), with one soul emerging from the flames? That’s right my friends, it’s Zac Hanson and he’s all grown up! No more Kawasaki One Man Jam drum kits for this small fry (”let the good times roll”). Nope, he’s moved on to corduroy jackets, facial hair and one of those gay-ass black rope necklaces that all the football players used to wear. You know the ones I’m taking about — usually there’s a cross or like a shark’s tooth attached to them. Anyways, as the video progresses we see the other more-notable Hanson brothers playing pianos in wheat fields, strumming guitars on an oil rig and dancing through rain filled puddles. This song is about love, this song is about life and this song is… oh who am I kidding pretending that I don’t still get off to these guys. Excuse me while I go add a few pearls to that black rope necklace Zac has on. MMMbop? More like MMMcock… you see what I did there? That’s why I’ll be getting laid tonight while you’ll be at home putting in a new tampon because your vagina couldn’t handle the blood rush of learning that “Grey’s Anatomy” was “FINALLY” all new again this week. Remember when Dr. Preston Burke called Dr. George O’Malley a faggot? Now, that was good TV.

** Scary bonus fact: All three Hanson brothers are married and have kids**

Coming to us via our participation in a work-release program arranged by Chris Hansen to reform some of the sex offenders that have been jailed as a result of his show, we bring you our newest contributor Wodi McWo, who — when not perusing MySpace and/or the Disney Kids message boards for fresh meat — peruses YouTube for the latest and greatest viral videos. Take it, Wodi. – ed.

“Welcome To My Book Collection”
(Glen Danzig Interview - on the topic of Books)

You can pretty much put Glen Danzig in anything and it will most likely make it my YouTube Clip of the Week. The guy is like Hercules, but if Hercules listened to metal and burned Jews in his free time. Now I ask you, who wouldn’t want to know what a metal loving, Jew burning Hercules has in his “book collection?” I’ll tell you who – Oliver Marcuse, a wheelchair bound faggot that I went to elementary school with. What? I’m an asshole because I used to throw rocks at him and “accidentally” knocked him out of his chair once when he wouldn’t swallow? Didn’t he read the bible? He should know that being a cripple is a sin. Lucky for me, Oliver was diagnosed with MS in 8th grade and I can’t help but believe that he’s dead by now.

Anyways, thanks to YouTube user “jbroccoli,” we now know that Mr. Misfit is into: werewolves, angels and stories about Jesus killing children by bringing clay statues to life (like you would have guessed anything different). My favorite part about this clip is that Danzig seems to believe anything he reads and I dare you to tell him he’s wrong. A werewolf came out of a clearing and shook a baby in his mouth – FACT. Every child should have a copy of “Occult Roots of Nazism” – you betcha. The church has secretly thrown out bible chapters that don’t fit in with the “ideology of Christ” – well that’s just fucking science right there. Do yourself a favor and watch this clip right now, because if you don’t, Glen Danzig will show up to your house with a posse of Nazi werewolves and proceed to skull fuck your “Mother” while Jesus laughs from above… you see what I did there? That’s why I’ll be getting laid tonight while you’ll be at home reading perezhilton and watching Ugly Betty. “Oh that America Ferrera is so beautiful!” Sorry to have to be the one to break it to you, but no, she’s not.

WATN:

LEVAR BURTON

By Wodi McWo

I had a dream last night that Ralph Macchio and my pet unicorn Captain Sparkles were reenacting the guitar-shredding finale from CROSSROADS (and for any guy out there who thinks I’m talking about the Britney Spears movie, guess what? Turns out you’re gay). What does all this have to do with LeVar Burton? Well, nothing, but it sure was an awesome dream that inspired me to make this picture on photoshop. Please accept it as my apology for the lack of WATN columns over the past few weeks. I’ve already masturbated to it thrice.

While he’s no Ralph Macchio, or unicorn tearing up a Steve Vai Ibanez Jem, LeVar Burton does love Rainbows, as well as the Enterprise NCC 1701-D, and picking cotton – wait I mean not picking cotton (I sometimes confuse the two and by the way I’m talking about LeVar’s role in “Roots,” so quit thinking I’m racist you douchebag). To call the man a legend would be an understatement. For 25 years on “Reading Rainbow” LeVar has been luring children into his house to “discuss books.” I tried that once and all I got to show for it was a guest appearance on “Dateline: To Catch A Predator.” It was probably my screename that tipped off Chris Hansen:

HeyKidHowOldAreYou?Ten?WellDoYouHaveAyoungerBrother?YouDo?
SweetWellCanYouLetHimKnowThatIGiveMeanHead25

LeVar inspired a nickname for penises everywhere when he starred as Lt. Cmdr. Geordi La Forge in several STAR TREK movies and series. He also understands that capitalizing a random “V” in the middle of your name is a guaranteed way to score copious amounts of vagina. He’s won Emmys, Golden Globes, Image Awards and even has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Now that I think about, it kind of doesn’t make sense to be doing a “Where Are They Now” on LeVar Burton. He still hosts Reading Rainbow, made the critically acclaimed mini series “Miracle Boys” w/ Spike Lee in 2005 and I’m pretty sure I heard him as a guest voice on Family Guy just last week. So where is he now? My guess would be swimming in money, drinking Courvoisier out the ass of some 10 year old ginger dreaming of butterflies in the sky. All I can lay claim to is my imaginary unicorn and a penis named after a Star Trek character. Wow, I’m kind of a douchebag — Oh well, at least I’m white.

Next week’s Where Are They Now: Ralph Macchio

Tags: where are they know, levar burton, ralph macchio, crossroads, steve vai, unicorns, ibanez jem