Genre legend Dan O’Bannon (Alien, Total Recall, Return of the Living Dead) died today at the age of 63, due to complications from a zombie bite. He is expected to raise again at approximately 8:32PM and will be on the hunt for brains. Or, as Dan would’ve put it, “braaaaaaaiiins!” Because brains make the pain go away.

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Okay, admittedly, the CG shots look um, a little Playstation-2-ish. But this trailer contains cues from both AC/DC and Black Sabbath, which means it is the greatest trailer ever made by a motion picture studio. Only Motorhead and boobs could’ve made this trailer better, and I’m talking greased up double-D fun-cans with silver dollar areolas and innie-nipples blazing. What’s this movie about? WHO GIVES A SHIT.

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The good news is that Hollywood has officially granted us permission to be publicly prurient toward Dakota Fanning without fear of Chris Hansen suddenly appearing in our living rooms carrying a transcript of our thoughts. I’m sure this comes as a welcome relief to the literally thousands of men out there who come to this site care of Google Image Searches for jailbait spank material.

The bad news is she’s still Dakota Fanning, meaning a frightening, bug-eyed wraith. It must be truly discouraging to find out that one’s sex appeal dried up at age four. I know it was for me, care of my uncle’s fleeting affections. I mean besides a Cub Scout uniform, what did Billy Robinson across the street have that I didn’t? Oh well, water under the bridge…

The Runaways, for the uninitiated, is a quasi-bio-pic about the 1970s girl band that brought us such hits as “Cherry Bomb” and…. “Cherry Bomb.” But the larger importance of The Runaways (the band) is that it spawned the careers of grrl-rock legends Joan Jett and Lita Ford, as well as that of chainsaw artist Cherie Currie.

Chainsaw artist Cherie Currie?

CHAINSAW ARTIST CHERIE CURRIE!

Anyway, here’s the trailer. The Runaways also stars an actress named Kristen Stewart, who was apparently in some sort of movie about vampires.

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As they recently did with their mark 2 Wolf Man trailer, Universal’s marketing folks have cut their Robin Hood teaser to look like some metalcore video lifted from MTV2’s Headbanger’s Ball (yes, MTV2 actually plays the occasional music video), replete with a barrage of jump cuts, butt-metal guitar riffs, the curious random line of dialog and absolutely nothing to indicate that there might be some sort of story going on. I’m pretty sure Robin Hood’s going to be good – just because Ridley Scott’s movies are at their worst watchable (except Hannibal) and at their best awesome (and by this I mean Alien, not the overrated Blade Runner) plus the film boasts a strong cast (biggups to Kevin Durand as Little John, yo!) – but all I know after watching that trailer is a) Russell Crowe is in it and b) there are arrows. Maybe there’s a segment of our society for whom “Russell Crowe + arrows” is the only lure they’ll need to go see a movie, but I am clearly not among their ranks.

Now if Robin Hood were a videogame, this trailer would be perfectly fine. Seeing arrows and swordplay at least means that I’ll likely be able to shoot some people with arrows, and cut off people’s heads with swords. Story, in a videogame, is generally something you skip past to get to the killing. But film being a passive medium, and mashing the red X button not being an option, I’d at least like to know before plunking down fourteen dollars for a ticket that Robin Hood will amount to something a tad more substantial than watching some stoner play Oblivion for two hours. Because believe me, I can do that for free.

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