As most of you have heard, and many probably saw, a Scientology video starring none other than Tom Cruise was leaked yesterday. If you weren’t lucky enough to catch it before it was pulled, don’t worry; I’ve got your back. Below is a transcript of what you missed. While I couldn’t understand even a single fucking thought he was trying to string together, watching it over and over and over has helped me understand one thing. He really has lost it.

A guitar riff which sounds oddly familiar to that of the MISSION IMPOSSIBLE theme song kicks up in the background. Coincidence? I think not. The video opens with a shot of the Earths edge. I’m in awe. The narrator begins to speak and I cant help but think that what I am watching is either A) A great marketing stunt to promote Tom’s next movie or B) A trailer for the next great spoof movie that studios still think people want to see and yet still aren’t funny.

NARRATOR:

…but if that’s what Mr. Cruise has brought to this world, there still remains one more word on the man. Call it Tom Cruise on, Tom Cruise… Scientologist.

Seriously?

Scientology logos and cheesy sound effects spill forth snapping me back in time to something strangely reminiscent of what you would see on “A Current Affair.” Cut to… a medium shot of Tom Cruise. Black turtleneck, some stubble on his chin, his hair a little tussled to keep us from being reminded that his stylist is probably sitting just outside of the cameras view. The lighting looks like something Roger Deakins himself might even be proud to call his own… and for some reason I keep feeling like I’m watching him as Frank T.J. Mackey all over again.

What follows is a montage of Mr. Cruise speaking. It’s frenetic. No questions are ever asked and we never know what he is talking about exactly. I like to call it “rambling.” It’s like listening to a two year old, but less coherent. The shots are strung together with a type of flash cut, the only thing tying it all together in is the music that you just keep hoping stops.

MR. CRUISE:

I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist and its something that you have to earn…and, because a Scientologist does…he, or she, has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions. Uhhh, being a Scientologist you look at someone and you know absolutely that you can help them.

So for me it really is KSW (who?) and its just like, its something that, uh…(pause)…I don’t mince words with that. You know, with anything that (insert illegible name) does, but that policy to me has really gone, (sound effect and gesture – pshew) boy and, theres a time when I went through and I said you know what, and when I read it you know, I just went (poof type sound effect). This is it. This is exactly it.

Being a Scientologist…when you drive past an accident it’s not like anyone else….as you drive past you know you have to do something about it because you know you’re the only one who can really help.

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