We’re going to do something different today and hand over our blog to screenwriting guru Ronnie Pudding, who’ll answer some questions from his mailbag.

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Dear Ronnie,

Yours truly,
Unrepped in Hell-A

Hey Unrepped, this ain’t Dear Abby. Unless you’re wanted for a felony in New Mexico –- like, oh I don’t know, statutory rape or something — you don’t need a pseudonym here. And YES Ronnie Pudding’s my REAL name, and NO I’ve never been to New Mexico, and even if I have, that girl told me she was of age; she had a fake ID and everything. Come on, you ever seen tits like that on an 11-year old? That’s what I thought. Hypothetically speaking.

But on to your question: Contrary to popular belief, finding an agent’s easy. Just put on your sister’s best skirt, a little red lipstick and a purple party-girl wig, then head down to the corner of Western and Santa Monica after 2 AM or so. The dude in the Lexus GS450 jacking off into his power tie after paying you fifty bucks to step on baby field mice while singing Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart?” Agent.

Finding an agent who’s actually willing to REPRESENT you, however –- without incriminating pictures of him getting blown by some dude in a purple party-girl wig –- is the tricky part. Unless you’re a crippled minority and/or have some credits to your name already, all those stupid query letters you’ve been writing because your screenwriting professor at BLOW ME U said that’s what you’re supposed to do, they ain’t getting read by anyone but the hobo sleeping in the dumpster behind CAA. Oh, and that hobo? He’s an aspiring screenwriter too, and he’s already got an agent. In other words, your time would be better spent trying to find Bigfoot, or Iraqi WMD’s, or a woman capable of rational thought.

But that doesn’t mean you should move back to Osh Kosh and take that job at the rug factory just yet. Because what’s the next best thing to an agent? A MANAGER.

What’s a manager, you ask? Managers are just like agents, only without the scruples. If the fancy escorts who advertise in the back of the LA WEEKLY are agents, then that AIDS-infested, toothless crack whore with the pus tumors all over her meat-wallet who gives 5 dollar hand jobs behind the Denny’s on Sunset is your manager. Now, TECHNICALLY, managers aren’t supposed to solicit you work. But then slipping a girl a roofie isn’t TECHNICALLY considered foreplay. Truth is a manager can do anything an agent can do; they just do it illegally. And do you really want the person representing your professional interests to be some law-abiding goodie two-shoes? Didn’t think so.

Now getting a manager’s relatively easy. Especially if you’re a woman. You don’t even need to write anything! As long as you have a decent rack, all you need to do is sleep with them on a semi-regular basis. Next thing you know you’ll be selling your pitches to Disney for mid-six figures. If you’re a man however, it’s a LITTLE trickier (unless you’re gay, or are at least open to the idea). Because there are far fewer female managers out there for you to doink, and their cooches are all used up from sleeping with studio execs. Plus, since you’re an aspiring SCREENWRITER, you’re most likely overweight and have chronic halitosis. Sleeping your way to the top ain’t really an option.

Therefore you’re gonna need to write what’s known as a “spec” script. It should contain all the elements of a commercial blockbuster movie, namely: Explosions, tits, knife fights, talking robots, more explosions, lesbians making out, but most importantly HEART. Because that’s what a good story needs. Heart. You must also be sure to follow screenwriting guru Syd Field’s rules beat-for-beat, because it’s been scientifically proven by some guy with a microscope that there’s never been a successful movie that didn’t follow the tenets of Syd Field. Ever. And most importantly, more important than ANYTHING, your script should be bound with two brass brads.

Once your script’s done, head down to Les Deux with an 8-ball of cocaine and some xanax. Start giving out free bumps in the handicapped shitter and you’re guaranteed to meet a manager within five minutes. Get his card. Don’t be surprised if he doesn’t remember your name the next day. Remind him that you were the dude with the free booger-sugar and there’s plenty more where that came from. Go down to his office and chop him a line on your script with the two brass brads. “Oops, where did THAT come from?” Before you know it you’ll have yourself an industry professional dedicated heart, body and soul to furthering your career for AT LEAST one week, or until he gets his first pass on your script, whichever comes first.

Which begs the question: Do you really, really TRULY need representation to make it as a screenwriter? Ronnie Pudding doesn’t think so. All you need are the Two T’s: TALENT and TENACITY. It also helps if you own a handgun and have a creepy thousand-yard stare. But as long as you have the two T’s, you WILL get noticed, you WILL get read, and you WILL get discovered. Just follow your dreams, buddy. Follow your dreams. No, just kidding. You need an agent.

Ronnie Pudding is a semi-professional screenwriter, kickboxer and drill press operator who resides in Van Nuys, CA. His film DEEP VENGEANCE III: STINGRAY’S RETURN premieres in lesser-known video stores everywhere on November 14th.

if you have any questions for Ronnie Pudding please send them to boxofficepsychics@gmail.com