Dedicated to Bingo.
8:48 – I’m running 48 minutes late due to being called gay by my brother for wanting to watch American Idol instead of going out for drinks. I realized when I finally got home that I probably seem even gayer because I already had my TIVO set to record the show.
8:50 Here we go! Ryan Seacrest says the show is not airing tonight because there’s going to be a special “Moment of Truth” episode. You’ve got to be kidding me! Wait, what? It’s just an April Fool’s joke? OHMIGOD ROTFLMAO. He’s so fucking funny. THIS is American Idol
8:52 Ryan’s suit is extra shiny tonight – I notice these kinds of things.
8:53 DOLLY “Tits McGee” PARTON is going to help the contestants tonight. True story, Dolly hit on me in Vegas and I got pictures of her kissing me. When I got the pictures developed (yeah, I’m that old), turns out I had some beer goggles on, because what I thought was Dolly, was actually a tranny impersonator.
8:54 I don’t know what’s creepier, that Dolly Parton looks like Skeletor with huge boobs and a blonde wig, or that I kind of want to titty-fuck Skeletor.
8:55 First up, performing “Jolene” is Brooke White. I don’t know what it is about Brooke White, but I’m not buying the “I’ve never seen a rated “R” movie, or been DP’d before.” I guess her performance was OK but I couldn’t take my eyes off the violinist with the mullet – way to rock bro! Keep the dream alive. Anyways, Paula gave her the best criticism of all the judges when she said, “You are Brooke White.” Thanks Paula!
9:00 Commercial for “Alvin and The Chipmunks” being released on DVD. Is it just me, or does the tagline “Get Munk’d” sound oddly sexual? I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure getting “Munk’d” is playground lingo for when a guy throws up in a girl’s vagina. Now that I think about it, that’s probably what watching the Alvin and The Chipmunks movie is like. Well-played Fox/New Regency marketing.
9:02 Next up is David Cook and he’s wearing dog tags – Randy is going to like that. He’s performing “Little Sparrow” and he’s decided to go for his own arrangement instead of stealing from other artists and not giving them credit. Dolly just put her boobs in his face. His performance reminds me of the saxophonist on the beach in the LOST BOYS but gayer. Randy and Paula like it, Simon called him a faggot – no joke!
9:07 Performing “Everything Bad” (I think that’s what it’s called) is Rameiele? Ramaiels? Ranviele? Performing “Everything Bad” is that slanty eyed chick. Hey slut! The show’s called “AMERICAN Idol,” not “Me Rikey Hello Kitty Idol.” Get off the stage and get back to giving my girlfriend a manicure – and by girlfriend I mean my Rainbow Brite doll (she gives great head…)
9:14 Ryan is reading stalker mail to Jason Castro. One of the postcards says something about his voice being as sweet as Colorado? The crowd seemed to think it was sweet but I was too busy getting lost in Jason’s eyes – uhh… I mean, fucking mad bitches. So, Jason is performing “Travelin Through” and get this, Dolly said “I would hate to have to dread those locks.” Hey Tal, did you see what Dolly did right there? It’s a play on words. Jason is definitely taking a motorboat down lake Parton after the show. I like this kid. Reminds me of a young Zack De La Rocha, but way less pissed off about the government and that Mexican guy on all those flags, I think his name is Che. Paula really likes him too – looks like Jason is going to need a little more fuel for that motor boat. Simon didn’t like him nearly as much.
9:22 And now, Carly is singing some other song by Dolly that I’ve never heard of. Holy shit, Carl Winslow from “Die Hard” is playing the acoustic guitar and he’s killing it. Oh snap, Simon just criticized Carly’s outfit. OH NO HE DIDN’T. Hey remember that episode of “Family Matters” where Laura has a dream that Eurkel makes an atomic bomb and blows up Chicago? Holy shit balls was that funny.
9:30 Hey everyone, it’s David Archuleta performing Parton’s “Smoky Mountain Memories” (more like “Smoky Mountain Mammories!” Hey Tal). Anyways, here’s the thing – I’m only kidding when I say I’m gay, but both David and I were wearing the same argyle sweater tonight! Fate? Well, I know one boner that’s nodding his head yes.
9:40 At this point I stopped watching because SISTER ACT 2 came on television and if you think I’m racist for switching off American Idol right when the black chick came on, well then, why was I watching SISTER ACT 2? Think about that! I’m sure the girl probably did one of those runs where they sing one note for ten minutes and I’m sure the Australian guy performing after her probably wore a scarf, all’s I know is Whoopi is about to get “Back in The Habbit.” Good times.
So who’s my pick to go this week? I’m gonna say David Archuleta. Oh, I thought you meant go straight to my heart….
For real, I’m picking the slanty eye chick. See you next week. McWo out!
Jason Castro paid homage tonight on “American Idol” to one of my favorite renditions of any song - ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow’ by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole accompanied by a ukelele.