We let our guard down. With our attentions focused on all things Oscar – which parties to attend, which black dress to wear, how much cocaine to bring — Tyler Perry managed to once again slip past our defenses, kill our end-of-level boss and rule supreme over yet another box office weekend. And while I’ve yet to be able to willfully sit through more than a minute or two of any of his entertaintainment properties, I say more power to him. Seriously. Because hopefully Tyler Perry can finally bury the misconceit that you can’t let a black man top-line a movie unless a) his name is Will Smith or b) he’s sharing top bill with a Chinese guy. Maybe all you studio execs, oblivious to the irony inherent in that Obama sticker on the bumper of your Prius, will finally stop asking writers to figure out ways to make all the characters in their urban comedies white. Maybe you’ll stop using international box office as an excuse to Clorox every film on your development slate. And maybe, just maybe, Tyler Perry can pave the way for a NEW generation of Tyler Perrys, a generation that actually makes watchable, entertaining films instead of whatever that feces is that Tyler Perry squirts out. Seriously — every film he makes has the writing, acting and production value of a bad Canadian movie-of-the-week. Only Canadian drag-queens are at least funny. But whatever, you keep doing what you’re doing, Tyler Perry. I’ll never have the stomach to sit through one of your movies, but as long as someone does, you serve as a beacon of CHANGE and HOPE and all that awesome Hands Across America crap.

The weekend top ten is listed below.

1. Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes to Jail(LGF)… $41,120,000
2. Taken (Fox)… $11,400,000
3. Coraline (Focus)… $11,031,000
4. He’s Just Not That Into You (NL)… $8,540,000
5. Slumdog Millionaire (Searchlight)… $8,050,000
6. Friday the 13th (NL)… $7,825,000
7. Confessions of a Shopaholic (BV)… $7,019,000
8. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Sony)… $7,000,000
9. Fired Up (SGem)… $6,000,000
10. The International (Sony)… $4,450,000

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Given the success of recent horror reboots like Halloween and The Hills Have Eyes, it should come as no surprise that New Line’s re-launch of their Friday the 13th franchise, featuring America’s favorite immortal zombie street-hockey goalie Jason Voorhees, wound up a severed head above the competition. What’s notable however is just how much box office booty the machete-wielding one managed to pillage, i.e. $45.2 million, or per the industry expert parlance “a shitload.” Also notable is how evenly divided the horror pic was among the genders, skewing only slightly to the penis-owning side of things at 51%. Masked maniacs chopping horny teenagers to bits might not be the most romantic thing to watch, but it does prove my long-held theory that nothing gets you in a woman’s heart-shaped crotchless Victoria’s Secret thong faster than scaring the living shit out of her. Fear is like nature’s roofie. I hope you ladies remember this the next time I come crawling through your bedroom window wearing a ski mask and brandishing an ice pick; the only felony I’m committing is the crime of loving too much.

New Line also took the number two spot for the weekend with their rom-com He’s Just Not That Into You – which, as predicted in this column last week, saw only a 15% drop from its debut the week previous – taking in an impressive $23.4 Million. Film’s success owed in no small part to the fact that the title gave its largely female audience an immediate answer as to why they were alone and dateless on Valentine’s Day. Ben & Jerry’s missed out on the perfect cross-marketing opportunity for their new product line “…Because You’re a Fat-Ass,” containing chunks of chocolate, Heath bar, xanax, desperation and failure.

Way to go, New Line. Guess laying off 90% of your staff was a recipe for success.

Also continuing to impress was Luc Besson’s sleeper hit Taken, starring Liam Neeson. Non-sexy kidnapping flick was actually UP 8% over the previous week and in just three weeks has taken in $150 million worldwide. The aforementioned triumvirate fueled one of the box office’s best Valentine’s weekends evar, proving that YES the studios made the right decision by laying off all those people last month, because their business is definitely on the skids… in Bizarro Superman’s world. In our slice of the multiverse however, it supports the historical data that when the economy’s in decline, the box office will shine. I’m sure that news is like a ray of sunshine on a rainy day for you former studio employees reading this on your iPhones/Blackberries as you wait in line for your unemployment checks.

The weekend’s complete top ten resides below.

1. Friday the 13th (NL) — $45,210,000
2. He’s Just Not That Into You WB (NL) — $23,365,000
3. Taken (Fox) — $22,200,000
4. Coraline (Focus) — $19,109,000
5. Confessions of a Shopaholic (BV) — $17,303,000
6. Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Sony) — $13,850,000
7. The Pink Panther 2 (Sony) — $10,800,000
8. The International (Sony) — $10,700,000
9. Slumdog Millionaire (Fox) — $8,725,000
10. Push (Summit) — $7,931,000

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Every year, Hollywood’s D-Girl Army shits out a half-dozen laughless female-skewed romantic comedies – usually starring Drew Barrymore, Anne Hathaway, or some digital amalgamation of both – and every year at least five of those films sink to the bottom of the box office toilet like the cinderblock turds of a post-Healthy Choice faux fudge brownie binge. And yet it is that one rom-com floater managing to buck the odds and rise to the top of the bowl which justifies the following year’s shit-wave of Wal-Mart $5 DVD Bin cluttering estrogen-reeking offal. So in anticipation of 2010, when you’re wondering how the hell Sisterhood of the Vodka-Cranberry-swilling Bridesmaid Shopaholics ever got the greenlight, jot down in your iPhone or Dingleberry or FuckPhone or whatever that “He’s Just Not That Into You, that’s how.” Said film – which is about, I dunno, menstrual cramps or something, and stars the ever-delightful Drew Hath-Aniston-ansson– in addition to setting the feminist movement back to the mid-fifties (laying the groundwork for Bride Wars to pack all those non-leg-shaving wymmyns at the organic food co-op into Doc Brown‘s DeLorean for a trip to that kinder, gentler epoch when real men with names like OGG! rode around on dinosaurs dragging their half-naked baby-incubators around by the dreadlocks) — managed to take a healthy $27.47 million from ticket counters and – big surprise – skewed 80% female. Expect only a slight decline next weekend when all those dateless Sex In The City addicts choose going to the movies as a healthier Valentine’s Day alternative to eating their weight in sleeping-pill-tinged Ben & Jerry’s Funky Monkey.

The good news from this weekend is that Pink Panther 2 pretty much tanked – hopefully ensuring that we won’t have to see Steve Martin spray scat all over both his and Peter Sellers’ legacy again any time soon – as did Summit’s unauthorized Jumper sequel, Push – reminding everyone that unless emo vampires are involved, Summit should stick to foreign pre-sales and straight-to-DVD fare.

2/6/2009 – 2/8/2009 Weekend Top Ten is below:

10. Hotel for Dogs (P/DW) $5,820,000

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November 21-23, 2008 Box Office Estimates

1 Twilight ( Summit Entertainment ) $ 70.55 M
2 Quantum of Solace ( Sony / Columbia ) $ 27.40 M
3 Bolt ( Buena Vista ) $ 27.00 M
4 Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa ( Paramount/DreamWorks ) $ 16.00 M
5 Role Models ( Universal ) $ 7.23 M
6 Changeling ( Universal ) $ 2.64 M
7 High School Musical 3: Senior Year ( Buena Vista ) $ 2.01 M
8 Zack and Miri Make a Porno ( Weinstein Company ) $ 1.70 M
9 Beverly Hills Chihuahua ( Buena Vista ) $ 1.40 M
10 The Boy in the Striped Pajamas ( Miramax ) $ 1.40 M

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