When it was announced last year that Haute Tension director Alexandre Aja was doing a remake of Piranha in 3D, horror fans were giddy with anticipation… of something entirely unrelated to this news, because wow another crappy horror remake using the 3D gimmick like a bad Midwestern nu metal band wearing half-assed Slipknot masks. Still, I’ve been hoping the film would at least have something to offer in the way of Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus style ridiculous fun. But judging from this trailer, per usual it seems my hopes and dreams shall go unrealized. Considering that it’s full of boobs this trailer’s pretty damned boring. I can’t fault the makers for setting it in a Lake Havasu style Spring Break party town, but the end result seems more like MySpace: The Horror Movie than a harkening back to the 1980’s scantily-clad-teen snuff horror heyday. And doesn’t the voice-over that kicks it off seem more suited for a commercial shilling pharmaceutical ED remedies than the trailer for a movie about bloodthirsty South American devil fish? I get it, dude, I should talk to my doctor. Because obviously my revulsion at seeing the baby-ruined vagina nestled between my wife’s cottage cheese thighs for the 50,000th time is a MEDICAL problem.

I suppose a gore-slathered red band trailer might make my murder boner a bit more turgid, but since we already know the gristle will be of the digital variety I think that’s about as likely as the Jets winning the Superbowl. Anyway, Piranha 3D doesn’t open until August 27, 2010 so we have plenty of time to forget all about this.

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