Lest you think all the virtual ink we’ve been spilling over Michael Bay lately means we’ve forgotten about Hollywood’s OTHER maverick of douchebaggery – Brett Ratner – think again. Ratner, who’s obviously confused himself with Tucker Max, revealed the plot of his contribution to the upcoming anthology film New York, I Love You and it like TOTALLY happened bro!

Per UK tabloid Daily Express:

Moviemaker BRETT RATNER lost his virginity to a paraplegic dangling from a tree – and now he has turned the sexual encounter into a scene in his latest film.

Ratner explains, “It’s probably my most personal film. When I sent the original script, which is autobiographical, the producers would not let me film it because, in the original ending, she (the girl) is a cripple, and they have sex as she’s hanging from a tree in Central Park.

“Everyone was freaking out over my short, so I changed it to where she wasn’t a cripple, but an actress pretending to be a cripple.”

Sure, dude. You lost your virginity to a paraplegic hanging from a tree. But the reason she can’t back up your story is because she’s from Canada, right? It’s so bleedin’ obvious that Ratner’s cripple-banging anecdote is something he made up in college to cover up the fact that he was a virgin and his idiot friends believed him so he had to roll with it. Because no matter who Ratner is now — and how many B-list coke whores he’s since violated with the syphilis-spigot hiding in the thatch of ape-hair beneath his lard rolls — before his success he was just a tubby nerd who couldn’t get his dick wet in a swimming pool. You’d think someone with access to as many aspiring actresses and as much Rohypnol as Ratner would’ve abandoned his old summer camp tall tales years ago and traded up for actual bona fide Playboy mansion sexual conquests but nope, Ratner’s so committed to the lie that he made a film about it. Way to go, Rat-man! High five.

But really, this story’s not as far-fetched as it sounds. True fact: I also lost my virginity to a woman hanging from a tree who couldn’t move. Hey, the suicide note pinned to her dress didn’t say “DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH” so its fair game, right?

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