Once upon a time in a magical land called “Hollywood,” photosensitive film moving at 24 frames per second was used to make people’s wildest dreams come true. Hollywood’s dream-weavers, or “filmmakers” as they were then known, would take audiences to places they’d never before, tell them stories they’d never heard before, entertain them in ways they never thought possible. Then the mid-nineties happened and a bunch of over-privileged, uncreative snots from Michigan or Connecticut or wherever returned from summering in Europe and were forced to make a choice: Go to law school and take the fast-track to a cozy partnership at Dad’s firm or move to Hollywood, take the Stark producing program and become a studio exec. Obviously the lures of the latter were too great to resist, as thousands of douchebags from Lake Forest Park to Greenwich packed up their daddy’s BMWs, upturned the collars of their LaCoste shirts and headed west to the bottle service tables at Les Deux.

So thanks to those obtuse assholes, original ideas are a thing of the past — hardly news to anyone who reads this site for reasons other than errant Google searches for “Miley Cyrus + hot tub + panties.” But you know things are bad when we’re actually excited about a film because it’s ONLY a remake… and not a sequel to a remake of a reboot of an adaptation of a comic book based on an action figure.

Sure, we were dubious at first about a Nightmare on Elm Street film without Robert Englund. After all, Freddy Krueger’s no anonymous machete fiend in a hockey mask, but a genuine character. And it was Robert Englund’s portrayal of the Krueger character that made even the worst of the Nightmare films a cut above the throat-cutting competition. But then we saw the words “from producer Michael Bay” appear on screen and our minds were put to ease. Would the man who directed Transformers 2: Explosions of the KA-PLOW! – this summer’s most successful and therefore best film — lead us down the wrong path? Of course not. He’s Michael Bay. HIS dreams fly on the wings of eagles.

God bless you, Michael Bay. Which is to say, Michael Bay bless you.

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