Per trade publication Variety, Dark Hero Studios’ David Hayter and Benedict Carver are teaming up with producer Bill Mechanic to adapt Image Comics’ Deadworld into a feature talkie. Deadworld, as the name implies, concerns a world overrun by zombies. The rub here however is that the zombies are sentient, or at least possessing the intelligence to hold a grudge against the planet’s few human survivors. Oh snap! Hayter, besides being the voice of Solid Snake in the Metal Gear games, recently scripted the Watchmen adaptation for Legendary/Warner Bros. Carver produced Neil Marshall’s post-apocalyptic pastiche Doomsday and Mechanic is currently changing the head gaskets on my Ford Taurus. But seriously – did you notice how each of their surnames suggests that they are doers-of-deeds? Hating, carving, changing head gaskets? There’s something to that, no? At least on the subconscious level I bet these guys are empowered by the fact that their surnames suggest they are men of action. Maybe I’d be more successful if my surname had been a verb made into a noun with the suffix “er.” Maybe I should change my name? I’m thinking… hmmmm… Raper.

But lest you think I’m skipping out on the opportunity to use this story as a springboard for a rant about zombies, rest assured that it begins right after the period at the end of this sentence. I’ve been hearing some chatter lately — mostly amongst hipster types, development execs, the folks at my AA meetings — that zombies are, per the colloquialism of idiots, “all done.” Or worse yet, that “vampires are the new zombies.” Meaning that zombies have oversaturated popular culture to the point that they’ve gone the way of dodos, Reeboks Freestyles, and the Republican party. And this sentiment is understandable. For a while it seemed like every week there was a new zombie picture going down the development River Styx. Remember Brad Pitt’s gazillion dollar bid for the rights to adapt Max Brooks’ (outstanding) novel World War Z? And of course there’s been a glut of ultra-low budget, straight to DVD zombie pics, but that’s ALWAYS been the case; zombie films are easy to make on the cheap. Then there’s the internet — stupid, stupid internet – where zombies have been unfairly lumped in with pirates and ninjas as the go-to post-modern references for unimaginative Maddox clones. But see, whereas pirates and ninjas are IRONICALLY cool, zombies are just cool. And by cool I mean (per the parlance of my 8th grade New Englander iteration) wicked fuckin’ cool. In fact, if it is even possible to quantify “cool” (which I believe it is) zombies might well be the “coolest” things ever. Which means, unlike Fonzie (who in actuality was only somewhat cool), they are immune to pop culture shark-jumpage. THEY ARE THE FUCKING UNDEAD. And you can’t kill what’s already dead.

But even if one is to discount my theory of their shark-jumping auto-immunity, there’s simply no real evidence of zombies oversaturation, at least in cinema. Name all the zombie movies that have come out this year. I don’t mean your cousin’s shot-on-video zombie piss take that he screened at his junior college’s “film fest,” I mean actual zombie films with actual distribution. Okay, after you’re done counting to zero, name all the zombie films that came out LAST year. You might be able to pull a few limited releases out of your ass, like say Jenna Jameson’s Zombie Strippers. And while that film was not a blockbuster by any means, it did perform WAY above expectations. Which brings up another point: zombie films almost ALWAYS exceed expectations. Slasher films — especially reboots/remakes of 1980s slasher films — crash and burn as much as they succeed. And PG13 Asian style “ghost” movies lack the requisite gore for today’s discerning horror junky. But zombies don’t lack for anything in that department; they are WALKING gore. So where are all these fucking zombie movies that we’re supposedly being inundated with? And don’t say Japan, because Japan’s love for zombies is PURE and TRUE. I’d never be having this discussion in Japan (mostly because I’d be too busy masturbating into soiled schoolgirl panties purchased from vending machines).

The hype is an illusion. Or more accurately, the over-hype is an illusion. Zombies transcend the zeitgeist. They are woven into the collective unconscious. Yet it is for this very reason that (I theorize anyway) all those zombie projects you read about going into development never get made. Zombies terrify the very people charged with making zombie movies. As good as the idea seems on paper, the average studio exec would rather spend a year of their life working on something that doesn’t give them night terrors – something like Bride Wars (you know, something that gives ME night terrors). Zombies evoke feelings of genuine dread. As improbable as zombies rising from the grave might seem, there’s something very real about this scenario. Vampires and ghosts come off as fantasy; and especially in the case of the former, there’s something romantic about them. But there’s nothing romantic about zombies. Chubby goth girls don’t crank up the Bauhaus and diddle themselves to fantasies of a zombified Peter Murphy coming through the bedroom window and biting them on the neck. That shit’s just creepy. Which is why – for horror films – zombies work so well.

If anything the world needs more zombie movies, not less. So enough of this “zombies are all done” business. Try as you might, you soulless culturistas can’t kill my love for zombies, not even with a head-shot.

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