Remember a few years back when the Hollywood tried to “reboot” Superman by hiring Bryan Singer to make it all emo and full of homoerotic subtext? Remember when some brain scientist decided vis-à-vis this “reboot” to cast the 15 pound, 12-year-old waif Kate Bosworth to portray hard-ass, street-smart reporter Lois Lane? Remember how the-opposite-of-awesome that was?

Where am I going with this? I’m going to point out that Monica Bellucci is 44 years old. I’d wager she doesn’t Twitter or have a MySpace page full of bathroom mirror self-portraits taken from that slight overhead angle that emphasizes cleavage. Yet she’s sexier than a Chuck E. Cheese boy’s room glory hole. Why? Because she’s a WOMAN. Not one of these annoying little teenage Hot Dog on a Stick employees that get passed off for leading ladies these days. According to extensive research by leading boner scientists, the hottest actresses working today are Bellucci, Maria Bello and Diane Lane. All three old enough to be Miley Cyrus’ mom. Yet also likely wise enough to run down to the drug store for some RU486 after a drunken one-nighter with the “Achy Breaky” guy. Hollywood, stop casting gum-snapping, text-messaging The Hills rejects in roles that don’t end in them getting machete-hacked to bits by a hockey-mask-wearing lunatic. If your alpha male hero’s gonna fight off a horde of whatever CGI monstrosities it is you’ve cooked up for this summer’s mega-budget popcorn fiasco, he better be doing it for the love of a WOMAN – not some 98-pound idiot who’s only gonna get him slapped with a statutory rape charge.

He better be doing it for someone like Monica Bellucci, who will be appearing opposite Nic Cage (the man trying to destroy Hollywood) in Jerry Bruckheimer’s (BAM!!) forthcoming wizard movie The Sorcerer’s Apprentice. Film is about a stunt-rockin’ mage (Cage) who recruits a young understudy to help him fight the forces of evil with over-the-top bad acting. Bellucci just better not be playing the mom. If she’s playing the mom its all over — which means Nic Cage has finally won.

People, we can’t let Nic Cage win.

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