It’s hard not to like Will Smith. Even harder to hate the guy. So you can imagine the Herculean effort it took for me to muster up the bilious, seething, blood-boiling hatred I feel for him right now – the “I hope you and your stupid nu-metal wife die of e-bola-AIDS” kind of loathing that if refracted through a ruby could smite an entire galaxy. I’m not saying it makes me a hero; but it makes me something. I’m like a 9/11 firefighter, but instead of risking my life to save others I hate Will Smith. We’re not that different, 9/11 firefighters and I. They have black lung, I have black lung. They have post traumatic stress disorder, I have post traumatic stress disorder. Does it really matter whether our burdens come from breathing jet fuel vapor or huffing airplane glue? Running into collapsing buildings to save kindergarteners or getting molested by a creepy uncle? What matters is that we’ve sacrificed ourselves for the sake of the many and that oh yeah, Will Smith? Fuck that guy. Not only is he mulling the possibility of DJ Jazzy Jerking Off all over Chan-Wook Park’s masterpiece Oldboy, he’s putting his Scientology baby Jaden in Columbia’s upcoming remake of Karate Kid. Yup, you read that right. Remake. Karate. Kid.

You know what, Hollywood? I’m all done with you. I’ve been writing showbiz news on this internet website for two years now and minus my genius hilarity, I can reduce the sum of it to one sentence: “Studio idiots shit all over creativity, re-purpose existing crap.” Call it a remake a reboot an adaptation or whatever you want; call it the keys to a brand new SL500 or enough fuck-you money to get away with any crime including cold-blooded murder. The crux of the matter is you’ve been sodomizing the filmmaking process for so long that not only does originality no longer matter, it’s now a liability. And why? Certainly not profitability. Oh sure, maybe you’ll luck out and get some short-term returns, but the reality is remakes and rehashes not only do not fare any better than brand spanking new concepts, they often fare worse. And you’re obviously forgetting the fact that if not for the ORIGINAL CONCEPT that someone came up with 20 years ago, you wouldn’t have a movie to remake at all. What are you going to do ten years from now? Remake the remakes of your remakes? Or maybe you’re not planning on being in the business that long.

Nay, this creative dearth comes down to two things: Fear and laziness. It’s a lot easier to pitch a proven intellectual property to your boss, and takes a lot less effort when it’s a movie you’ve seen a thousand times versus a script you might actually have to pick up and fucking READ. But beyond that, it means that you don’t have to exhibit any judgment. No one will question it, especially YOU, when you green light something that already worked 20 years ago. And the end product doesn’t even have to be particularly good, or even financially successful. When it gets to that point you’ll just shift the blame to someone else.

So in summation: Fuck you, Hollywood — and your Xenu-lovin’ Fresh Prince too. I’m gonna go make fun of something else now. Professional sports, politics, iPhone apps – ANYTHING other than your boring, predictable asses. You are no longer worthy of my snark.

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