Hide your pickanic baskets and smooth-chested boys – YOGI heads to multiplexes
NAMBLA Presents.. YOGI THE MOVIE
In what promises to be the Brokeback Mountain of live action/CG hybrids, Warner Bros. announced today that they’ll be dusting off Ike-era America’s favorite gay cartoon animal couple — Yogi Bear and bottom bitch Boo-Boo – for a feature treatment a la New Regency’s unwatchable Alvin & The Chipmunks.
Film shall be directed by “Ash” Brannon, who as far as I know does NOT have a chainsaw for an hand but has worked on such Pixar hits as Toy Story 2, A Bug’s Life, Anthropomorphic Toaster Who Learns to Love, Wendell the Talking Cheese, Gay Robot, and Just Take Your Kids To See This Shit Already. Typing the kiddie-friendly fart jokes and nut shots will be Joshua Sternin and Jeffrey Ventimilia — exec producers of That 70’s Show, but probably best known for killing and eating a hobo last year then getting off on a technicality. What, you don’t remember that? It was in all the newspapers. Okay, that never happened, but it COULD have happened. Producing will be Donald “snort” DeLine for his eponymous WB-situated prodco.
My choice for Ranger Smith? Steve Colbert. He’s got the look and his hatred of bears is well-documented. And while I should probably be spewing black cancer bile all over this project a) I just don’t have the energy anymore b) to be honest, it really doesn’t offend me. I’ve always kind of liked Yogi Bear. Like me he’s a lazy, self-serving asshole, but crafty and kind of a bad-ass. Unlike me he’s a militant, unrepentant homo, but not a sashaying queen like that faggot Snagglepuss. He’s the kind of gay us straight guys can get into; a manly, full-on chickenhawk gay like Rob Halford. I bet he even drives a Harley shovelhead and can throw down with a pair of brass knuckles if he has to. Not saying I’d ask for it, but were he my cellmate at Folsom I wouldn’t be ashamed if he pinned me down and punked me one dark night. So I say Godspeed to you Yogi — you tourist-mauling, picnic-basket-loving, hat-wearing gay ursine — and welcome to the big show.
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