Just what the world needs — more vampire books! Guillermo del Toro co-pens trilogy for HarperCollins
Know what I hate more than atheists, Arabs and the government? Vampires. They are the Bloc Party of monsters. Fey, affected, cliché-ridden, unoriginal, devoid of ballsack and yet for some reason young ladies love the SHIT out of them. Why? They’re not scary and NO they’re not sexy. In fact quite the opposite. Literary vampires most often symbolize love unrequited — the mysterious, well-dressed, attractive and perpetually unattainable man of every pubescent goth gal’s fever-dreams.
In other words, they’re gay dudes. And I can understand how maybe in the Victorian Age teenage girls needed metaphorical, literary gay dudes to fill that void but circa 2008 there’s plenty of real gay dude to go around. Which is why I can’t understand the continued appeal of vampires. Isn’t Clay Aiken enough? Aren’t the Jonas Brothers and Tokio Hotel still touring? Never mind the fact that we’ve got Alan Ball’s True Blood – which drags out every vampire cliché in the book and infuses it with bad summer stock theater doing Tennessee Williams – to remind us each week why vampires suck, and I don’t just mean AB+. We’ve also got the ridiculously popular “Twilight” books and their eagerly anticipated (by fat Mormon girls anyway) film adaptation coming in November. And isn’t Anne Rice still shitting out the occasional trashy vamp novel?
Vampires are everywhere and they’re ALWAYS the same. No one ever bothers to put a new spin on them. Handsome mystery man with penetrating eyes and chiseled features? Check. Den of “evil” vampires who dress like gay bikers at a Nine Inch Nails concert? Checkity-check. Shitloads of whining, pining and longing? Cheeeeeck-check-check. This dude? Check-checkity-fucking-check. Just once I’d like to see “fat fucking slob who plays video games all day” vampire. Or “Mexican with a mullet who hangs out by the soccer field drinking Budweiser Chelada tallboys” vampire. Anything but that same old surrogate gay guy we’ve seen a million times over.
And why do vampires always dress in leather pants and frilly shirts? Okay, you’re supposedly 400 years old yet you look like you should be rocking “The Final Countdown” on a keytar while a fan blows your permed mane. You’re telling me vampire fashion began with mid-80’s Headbanger’s Ball and ended at Hot Topic? Put on some Dockers and a Lacoste shirt for a change, buddy. Or how about some sans-a-belt slacks, velcro shoes and a cardigan? You’re older than my grandpa, start dressing like it.
Anyway, with an obvious lack of regard for my feelings re vampires, Pan’s Labyrinth/Hellboy director Guillermo del Toro is writing a trilogy of novels — with veteran thriller author Chuck Hogan co-(ghost?)-writing — about a vampire virus that plagues the earth and wipes out most of human kind. First novel in the series will be entitled “The Strain,” which I believe is Mexican for “I Am Legend.”
I only wish Richard Matheson was a vampire so he could show up at del Toro’s mansion door one dark night and punch the director in the gunt. “Stop stealing my shit, Del Toro!” Matheson would say. “I ain’t dead – I’m everliving! And I’m gonna kick the everliving shit out of ya!” Yeah, that would be cool. Richard Matheson fan-fiction > vampire books.
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