On the upside, at least it’s not a crappy 70’s TV show or campy 80’s horror movie. On the downside, it’s an adaptation of Herman Melville’s Moby Dick to be directed by Timur Bekmambetov – the Kazakhstani explosteur responsible for this summer’s completely incomprehensible Wanted – from a screenplay by Adam Cooper and Bill Collage, the writers who brought us 2004’s Olsen Twins vehicle New York Minute.

They wrote a fucking Olsen Twins movie. Now they’re adapting Melville.

Of course Cooper and Collage will be XTREMING the epic tome up for the unwashed McCain-voting masses. In addition to such liberties as equipping the eponymous sea mammal with rocket launchers, jet packs and a giant robot claw, the guys who failed in their attempt to make the Olsen Twins viable for the big screen have a Queer Eye makeover in mind for Captain Ahab, who “will be depicted more as a charismatic leader than a brooding obsessive” (yes that’s an actual quote, per Variety).

Uh-huh. Because, you know, there’s really no need to sweat a little detail like THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF THE NOVEL. This really begs the question: Why even call it Moby Dick? Melville didn’t invent whales, if the only point here is to make a CGI whale movie why not just come up with your own spin and call it WHALESPLOSION or DETHORKA or fucking BLOW HOLE? Wait, there was already a movie called Blow Hole. Jeff Stryker’s in it, it’s really good. But back to my point: The intended audience for this movie – retarded people, idiots, UFC fans – has no clue that there’s a novel called Moby Dick, or even that there are such things as novels. They can’t read and probably won’t even know what whales are until you explain it to them. So why go through all this effort to piss off people like me – who might actually care, and have nothing better to do with their time than complain about this sort of shit on the internet – when you can come up with your own brand-spankin’ new franchise-worthy intellectual property? Seriously. I am asking you. YOU. Why?

Here are a few additional idiotic quotes from co-screenwriter Adam Cooper – whose only other writing credit on IMDB besides the aforementioned Anorexia Twins abortion was the 2006 box office failure Accepted:

“Our vision isn’t your grandfather’s ‘Moby Dick…”

Thanks. Because after years of therapy I’ve finally gotten over the childhood trauma associated with my grandfather’s “moby dick.”

“This is an opportunity to take a timeless classic and capitalize on the advances in visual effects to tell what at its core is an action-adventure revenge story.”

And thanks for confirming that you haven’t bothered to read the novel. Adam Cooper, you may well be a great guy in real life. You probably have a wife and kids and/or gay partner you’re supporting with your writing, you’re probably voting for Obama and drive a hybrid, hell maybe you even donate half your money to cancer patients or burn victims, and Crom bless ya for sticking to it and succeeding in a town that paves its streets with the dashed dreams of creative hopefuls, because no matter what naysayers like me might think about your work, at least you’re doing what you want to do in life, and that in and of itself is an achievement we can all admire. So please don’t take this the wrong way when I say that I hope you die of AIDS.

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