stellastarr*: Lemmy from Motorhead would eat their babies.

The Hollywood Reporter namesakedly reports from Hollywood today that Shawn Christiansen – lead singer for the totally awesome indie rock band stellastarr* — has sold his thriller spec “The Karma Coalition” to Warner Bros. for the respectable sum of $750,000 against $1.5 million. And by “respectable” I mean there’s envy vomit all over my shirt. This is like finding out that the poseur who sings for The Killers invented the cure for leukemia or something.

And by the way, in case you are about to scroll down to the bottom of this post to see what the asterisk after the word “stellastarr” was for – save yourself the trouble. That’s actually how the band stellastarr* spells their name. Because misused punctuation is to fey indie rock bands what umlauts are to metal bands. And just in case, like me, you’ve been avoiding this band like it’s a single mom on match.com, let the music video linked below get you up to speed:

I think we can all agree (and my “we” I mean myself, my troll dolls, and the five greasy-fingered pedophiles who wound up on this site after an errant Google search for “Miley-Cyrus-dirty-panties”), the problem with today’s “indie rock” is that it is hardly the former and rarely the latter. Look, if your records are distributed by a little mom n’ pop start-up label called “Sony,” if you sing like a wounded hairdresser over guitar riffs lifted directly (intentionally, ironically) from Big Country’s first album, wearing an outfit culled from Vice Magazine’s “Do” list, I’m sorry but you need to come up with a new name for your crap music. How about “irony yodeling?” Or what about “poseur polka?” I’m not telling you to stop making music, because obviously upper-middle-class white kids in skinny jeans, white belts and overpriced designer simulations of thrift store rags need something to listen to — and frankly I’m getting sick of seeing their cocaine-and-veganism-emaciated asses throwing the irony horns at my metal and stoner rock shows — but please don’t devalue the word “rock” any further with such misappropriations; it’s just as offensive as when white rural hip-hoppers call themselves “nigga,” and for the exact same reason. Comprende? Okay. Thanks.

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