I’m not usually one to blog-bash — but if you’re like me a) you’re a morbidly obese shut-in with a sizable collection of troll dolls, and b) you haven’t read Defamer since Mark Lisanti stopped writing for them. Not so much because Mark’s work was far and away better than that churned out by the current crop of also-rans trying to cop his voice (though that would certainly be the case). No, it’s mostly due to the ever-increasing frequency of non-funny video blogs by Molly McAleer, the vaguely cute yet bland-as-soymilk hipsterchic Gawker Media apparently plucked out of some booth at the 101 Café for the sole purpose of annoying me. Hey, if I wanted to hear the incoherent ramblings of attention-starved anorexic girls I wouldn’t have given my ex-wife get full custody of our daughters Midori, Ferrari and Kristál (stripper names = my idea; at least they’ll always have a fall-back career).

It’s not that I didn’t WANT to like “Molls.” She does have that earnest little sister quality that should at least be worthy of a sympathy LOL. But nope. Hate her. Can’t effing stand her. I have no idea why the notoriously jaded snark-mongers that frequent Defamer’s comment sections haven’t run her off like an American Apparel-clad Echo Park Frankenstein with torches fueled by cruel irony. But as a matter of fact it seems they’ve actually EMBRACED her, confirming for me what I’ve suspected all along – people who read Defamer on a regular basis are a bunch of no-taste industry dooshes that’ll swallow white-hot loads of anything the media tastemakers fire down their trend-hopping gullets. I’m 100% convinced Molls ends up getting a network pilot out of her Defamer exposure and will have the last laugh but for now, I choose to throw eggs – and not read.

Which is how I nearly missed an effing JEM of an internet feud going on between 30 Rock’s Alec Baldwin and My Name Is Earl creator Greg Garcia. Oh, it’s a doozy and much to my chagrin has brought me back to the Gawker Media Empire like a thoughtless little pig to the trough. According to his recent interview with New Yorker, Baldwin was peeved by the amount of attention NBC brass doles out to the one-note My Name Is Earl when 30 Rock is the fresher, smarter and in general better show (gotta agree with Baldwin there). Well Garcia lashed out care of Defamer, calling Baldwin an “unlikeable psychotic narcissist” and furthermore stating:

“Instead of blaming NBC, I think Alec should consider that some people in America may not want to watch a man who cusses out his own 11 year old daughter on a phone message, calling her a “rude thoughtless little pig.” It’s a shame that the people who produce such a funny show have to put up with such a distasteful man on a daily basis. It makes me thankful to have such a wonderful cast on My Name is Earl, a show that is still going strong and has helped bring an audience to 30 Rock over the last few years. You’re welcome, Alec.”

Wow. If I were in Tyra’s studio audience I’d be craning my neck left to right saying “oh no you dint!” Still, never one to let the other guy get the last word – even when the other guy is his own 11-year-old daughter – Baldwin shot back with the following:

“My apologies to the cast and crews of My Name Is Earl and Scrubs. In my frustration with NBC’s reprehensible promotion of 30 Rock, I took an unfortunate swipe at both of those shows and that was not cool.

But, for Earl’s creator, Greg Garcia, who referred to me as a ‘psychotic’, I have only one question. Why are you Scientologists always rendering these medical opinions you aren’t qualified to give?”

Oooh, the Scientology card! Well played, Alec. Well played. Alas as it turns out — despite running a show that’s cast almost entirely by Xenu’s dread minions –- Greg Garcia is not a Scientologist (cough*BULLSHIT*cough) — at least according to him:

“Alec, I can’t tell you how happy I am to once again point out that you are an idiot. I’m unable to answer your question about Scientologists because, although I respect anyone’s right to their own beliefs, I am not currently nor have I ever been a Scientologist. Maybe you should have done some research that extended past the comments section of Defamer before you crafted your insult.”

the dubious accuracy of his accusations aside, I think we can all agree that while Greg Garcia is a sunken-chested whiny little bitch, Alec Baldwin is awesome. Like, f&%king SHATNER awesome. Would I let him raise my kids? No, but I’d certainly let him father them. Coffee is for closers Greg, and a closer you are not. But hey, thanks for bringing us 1/2 of a laugh-filled season of My Name is Earl. It almost made up for 6 seasons of the unwatchable Yes, Dear.

Tweet This Post 

• Baldwin Leaves CAA, Gets “Dad of the Year” Mug
• Alec Baldwin blogs about doing SNL with Sarah Palin
• Tom Cruise here to help — save world — from acronyms
• Palin does SNL
• Is an Actors strike looming?