You might think it would be hard to review something I didn’t watch; you’d be wrong. Though I spent my Sunday watching football like a man, my pineal gland picked up enough of the 2008 Video Music Awards’ ill signal on the collective consciousness waveband to glean a review-worthy assessment. First, let’s cut to the chase: It sucked. Hosted by Britain’s own Dane Cook, er Russell Brand (typical of the Brits to take something already gay and make it even gayer) the MTV Video Music Awards was a cavalcade of Z-list brain-dead celebrities, totally contrived attempts to shock, non-amusing attempts to amuse, bland overblown performances by irrelevant musical “artists” who couldn’t hit middle C if it was Christina Crawford in a closet full of wire hangers, and the evening’s namesake (and lone glimmer of intentional irony) presentation of statues shaped like astronauts – i.e. something embodying one of the human race’s crowing achievements – to people having nothing worth contributing to humanity, never mind the world of music.

Britney Spears—or perhaps a vision of what Sarah Palin’s retard baby will look like all grown up—performed, and by that we mean moved her lips in rough approximation of the prerecorded version of a song on which her actual voice had been digitally manipulated to from a melody, while prancing about arhythmically with a couple dozen “Up with People” rejects all hoping to be the next lucky recipient of the Federline Meal Ticket. The Jonas Brothers also pantomimed doing something entertaining, as thousands of 11-year-old girls showered their future objects of nostalgic embarrassment in misguided adoration and Twilight Underoos. Then Madonna came out and… I don’t know… showed her twat, or did something that would have been controversial in the 1800’s, oblivious to the fact that her street-cred and sexual magnetism are both a few notches below that of Bea Arthur (especially with regard to the latter).

The Winners (and nominees) of the 2008 Video Music Awards are listed below. These are not a joke. I am not making these up. These are real. If you work in the music industry – and for MTV especially – please peruse the list below for the answer to why your chosen profession now carries a far worse social stigma than molesting children.

Video of the Year
* Britney Spears, Piece of Me
Chris Brown, Forever
Jonas Brothers, Burnin’ Up
Pussycat Dolls, When I Grow Up
The Ting Tings, Shut Up and Let Me Go

Best Female Video
* Britney Spears, Piece of Me
Mariah Carey, Touch My Body
Katy Perry, I Kissed A Girl
Rihanna, Take A Bow
Jordin Sparks, No Air

Best Male Video
* Chris Brown, With You
Flo Rida, Low
Lil Wayne, Lollipop
T.I., No Matter What
Usher, Love This Club

Best Hip Hop Video
* Lil Wayne, Lollipop
Mary J. Blige, Just Fine
Lupe Fiasco, Superstar
Flo Rida, Low
Kanye West, Homecoming

Best Pop Video
* Britney Spears, Piece of Me
Danity Kane, Damaged
Jonas Brothers, Burnin Up
Panic at the Disco, Nine in the Afternoon
Tokio Hotel, Ready, Set, Go!

Best Dancing in a Video
* Pussycat Dolls, When I Grow Up
Chris Brown, Forever
Danity Kane, Damaged
Madonna, 4 Minutes
Ne Yo, Closer

Best Rock Video
* Linkin Park, Shadow of the Day
Fall Out Boy, Beat It
Foo Fighters, The Pretender
Parmamore, crushcrushcrush
Slipknot, Psychosocial

Best New Artist
* Tokio Hotel, Ready, Set Go!
Miley Cyrus, 7 Things
Katy Perry, I Kissed a Girl
Jordin Sparks, No Air
Taylor Swift, Teardrops on My Guitar

In 1992, Nirvana performed on the VMA and won several statues. I want you all to chew on that for a while.

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