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While I certainly can’t take all of the credit, I’d like to think that my threat to kick everyone in the balls who saw Disaster Movie in theaters this weekend played some small part in making the aforementioned Friedberg/Seltzer non-comedy live up to its name in a manner both ironic and soul-crushing to its creators. Of course sharing the credit would be Friedberg and Seltzer themselves—for consistently making a product that is both offensively unfunny and an affront to American culture. But the lion’s share of the glory goes to you, good people of America. You have proved yourselves capable of pulling your heads out of the feces-ridden muck and resisting the scab-picking urge to hand over hard-earned dollars to have your intellects sodomized by Friedberg, Seltzer and their monied enablers. This certainly bodes well for the upcoming elections, when America must make a similar choice between yet another mouthful of the same old corn-studded feculence – and a taste of that which at least promises some sort of nutritional sustenance.

I would also like to apologize to all of those people I kicked in the balls—all 478,350 of you. I’d like to apologize, but I won’t. I warned you, you knew what you were getting into, and yet you went to see that piece of shit anyway. Maybe next time you’ll take my threats a bit more seriously. Let your future failed attempts at procreating serve as a grim reminder that in a country where you have every right to as be as idiotic as you want to be—even if you’re president–stupidity still has its consequences.

I’d also like to give a very special shout-out to blog commenter H.Bomb. When you said “thanks for the support from the real fans who know comedy” we had no idea that you were thanking them for choosing the ACTUALLY FUNNY film Tropic Thunder in its third week over Friedberg/Seltzer’s latest cinematic insult to those of us who are allowed to use forks at the dinner table. But we’d like to echo your sentiment, and thank the “real fans who know comedy” for selecting a film that makes fun of retards over one that caters to them. (Now if only they’d get their asses out there to see Hamlet 2). We’d also like to thank them for notching up one more failure on the bedpost of whichever over-privileged culture-rapist you were sycophantically sucking up to when you posted your screed on our blog, hopefully assuring for them – and you – and all the other above-the-line douchebags responsible for Friedberg/Seltzer’s latest travesty – a future full of unemployment, poverty, destitution, homelessness, prostitution, AIDS, hepatitis B, more AIDS, gangrene, amputation and a slow, unfathomably painful death, preferably at the hands of roving cannibal-rapist-hobos.

But what –you query – do these box office numbers mean for the futures of Mr. Friedberg and Mr. Seltzer? Does it mean they’ll no longer be allowed to make movies? Does it mean they’ll finally be dragged under some Downtown overpass and paid back for their hand in our society’s devolution — with a half-dozen 9mm slugs in each of their coolers? Unfortunately, in the cases of both the former and latter, such is unlikely. Because even with such a paltry performance, Disaster Movie will probably recoup once the DVD and TV sales are tallied. Still, it does assure that studios will be more reluctant to push their projects through, as they no longer have the “at least these pieces of shit make money” excuse to fall back on. In the short term we hope that Friedberg/Seltzer are regulated to the straight-to-video market. They’ll still be able to make their films, true; but we’ll also no longer be subjected to the marketing deluges that make us aware of their existence. This gives some comfort to those of us for whom even the existence of such films makes us want to kick an adorable animal to death. In the long term however, we hope this weekend’s box office will be remembered as the first disgraceful step in Friedberg/Seltzer’s swift exit from the industry. Because I think we can all agree, Hollywood – and the free world – would be a better place without them. God bless you, America. On an eagle’s wings, God bless.

Ed. Note: In the interest of fair and balanced blogging, its worth noting that Disaster Movie currently holds the first 00% Tomato Meter rating, making it the worst widely released movie of all time, at least according to Rotten Tomatoes. Kudos, Friedberg and Seltzer; at the very least it can’t be said that you aren’t the best at doing what you do, which is making movies that are unwatchable.

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You should also check out:

• ‘Vague Genre Movie’ – the spoof of all spoofs
• If you see DISASTER MOVIE this weekend I will come to your house and kick you in the balls
• Friedberg and Seltzer must be stopped (and you can help)
• Grosvenor Park proves Canada is freedom’s biggest threat since Hitler
• Meet The Spartans: A Review