FACEBOOK: The Movie
Okay, okay Hollywood. I get your point. With all my bitching about how creatively bankrupt you are – churning out nothing but remakes and sequels and adaptations and Friedberg/Seltzer Down Syndrome crapfests – I still took solace in my delusion that as bad as it is, at least things couldn’t get any worse.
Until today. I surrender. You are the master. PWNED.
Facebook the Movie. Really? Really. Unfortunately, I can picture the meeting that spawned this travesty in my head.
“Mmm, these bran muffins are delish. Susina?”
“No, my assistant baked them herself. After I made her get an abortion so I wouldn’t have to suffer with a temp through her maternity leave, I figured the least I could do was let her get up at 4:30AM to bake me some muffins. That’s real breast milk you’re tasting by the way.”
“Thought so. But is it low-fat breast milk?”
“Not really sure. I think there’s only one kind of breast milk, but I could be wrong. Tell you what, I’ll put her on Atkins while she’s still latently lactating. She needs to lose some of that baby-fat anyway. If only she hadn’t waited until the third trimester…”
“So what’s this meeting about again?”
“This meeting’s about how if we don’t put something in development today we’re going to have to actually read some spec scripts over Labor Day weekend. Well, at least the coverage.”
“You still read coverage? I just have my assistant write up coverage for the coverage. Just a sentence or two, not too many words with multiple syllables or anything, then she sends it to my Blackberry.”
“Smart.”
“But obviously I’d rather not have to read anything. Reading hurts. Aren’t there any comic book properties we can option? At least those have pictures.”
“Believe me, if there were, I’d have legal drafting up the paper work right now. Nothing left. Every title, past, present and future through the next three decades has been picked up. We even had to start optioning coloring books – and all those rights are tied up now too.”
“Hmmm. How about old TV shows? Any of those left? Something cool, like Manimal or Simon and Simon?”
“Are you kidding? Last one left was Hello Larry but that got picked up by Fox last week. Damon’s attached for the Mclaean Stevenson roll, by the way.”
“Ooh, love Matt Damon. Well there has to be SOME pre-existing intellectual property out there we can turn into a movie. Video games, action figures, Mexican telenovelas, board games… hey, remember those Coleco electric football games where the little guys would just bounce around while the playing field vibrated? We should make a movie out of that.”
“That’s Paramount’s big Christmas release for 2009. Jeesh, you really need to make your assistant read you the trades more often.”
“I know, I know, but even listening to other people read gives me a migraine. Hey, wait a sec. You’ve heard of this internet thing, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, there’s where we found ‘Leave Britney Alone’ guy. Signed him to a three-picture deal. Why do you ask?”
“Well there’s this website on there call ‘Facebook’. I use it to pick up high school boy… I mean… high school girl… I mean… I play ‘Scrabulous’ on there all the time, it’s great. Why don’t we make a movie about that?”
“Hmm. Is it hot with the 13 – 24 year-old demo?”
“Totally! Especially 13-year-olds. Sexy 13-year-olds with baby-soft skin, slender thighs, taut buttocks, and just a faint wisp of pubescent mustache growing on their upper…”
“Sounds perfect. If we do the deal today we can skip out early and hit Vegas before all the good trannie hookers are taken. Karen! Stop crying and get Facebook’s agent on the phone! I don’t know… try CAA!”
Penning this monstrosity for Columbia Pictures will be none other than West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin, who’s OBVIOUSLY back on the cocaine. Hey, Facebook the Movie, yeah! I must’ve missed Friendster the Movie and MySpace the Movie. When are those coming out? Regardless, nothing’s more engrossing than the riches-to-riches tale of a spoiled little Harvard douchebag who stole someone else’s idea to copy an already popular website that was a direct rip-off of another popular website. Really warms the cockholes of my heart.
Oh, and fuck you Sorkin. To quote Bill Hicks, a greater man than you could even aspire to be, you are OFF the creative roll call. I don’t care how deep Studio 60’s cancellation put you in debt with your crack dealer, there are some projects you just say NO to, and this was one of them. The fact that Hicks died of cancer while you and your children still live is the only proof the Athiests will ever need. THANKS.
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