HBO Cancelled Me
A lot of you sodomites out in Hollywood probably don’t know it, but I’m kind of a big deal. I’m the Reverend Jesse Custer, and my true life story’s so bad ass that a couple’a nancy Irishmen turned it into a comic called PREACHER. Just a few of the awesome things I’ve done:
• Lived in Texas
• Killed God
• Carved a man’s head into the shape of a penis
• Beaten a vampire half to death outside of the Alamo
• Had conversations with John Wayne even though he’s dead
• Made a sheriff fuck his own ass with his own penis
• Been the sex slave of a big-tittied Nazi dominatrix
• Drank a beer with Bill Hicks
• Murdered my grandmother by setting her oxygen tank on fire
• Lost an eyeball and grown a new one
• Stole Ferraris
• Survived a nuclear blast (and not by hiding in some pussy fridge, either)
• Made love to a woman
I’m a fairly interesting fella. So I had a pretty big crisis of faith when Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon (the nancy Irishmen I was just talking about) told me they’d sold the rights of my story to Mark Steven Johnson, the same ass-master who wrecked Daredevil and Ghost Rider. MSJ doesn’t know whether he’s shitting or riding horseback. What kinda dipshit casts a frat boy date rapist like Ben Affleck and thinks, “Yeah, that’s the star who’s gonna take this character to the next level.” When I watch that movie, every time Daredevil’s alone with Elektra I’m scared he’ll rape her. You just know Affleck’s hiding roofies in Daredevil’s retard cane. And the only reason I wanna see Nic Cage play Ghost Rider is on the off chance he gets really method and sets his face on fire. I figured MSJ would get some weak sister to play me like Hugh Grant. Or Oprah Winfrey.
Plus, taking my story to HBO didn’t sweeten the pot for me a bit. Maybe five years ago when they were doing shit with teeth like The Sopranos and Oz. But now that place is run by nothing but ugly dykes (redundant, I know) who think the Mormon version of The Waltons is cutting edge. I heard they were even rerunning WKRP in Cincinnati, and I hate to say it, but outside of Loni Anderson’s tits, that show didn’t exactly stand the test of time. So I was happier than a pedophile in a petting zoo when I heard that Sue Naegle, the new dyke in charge, had dropped PREACHER from its development slate. Tickles me pinker than a commie eating a rare steak. Said garbage director MSJ about his inability to get a bankable property like my kick ass life story past the budgeting stage even after a (s)hit movie like Ghost Rider:
“The new head of HBO felt it was just too dark and too violent and too controversial. Which of course is kind of the point. It was a very faithful adaptation of the first few books, nearly word for word. They offered me the chance to redevelop it but I refused. I’ve learned my lesson on that front and I won’t do it again. So I’m afraid it’s dead at HBO.”
Much of a preacher’s job is deciphering the hidden meaning behind cryptic text, so allow me to apply my skills to this horseshit statement and provide a line by line translation.
“The new head of HBO felt it was just too dark and too violent and too controversial.” When Ms. Naegle finally pulled her face out of the unshaven twat of some 50 year old GLAAD rep long enough to read her dyke assistant’s one page treatment on the three page coverage some dyke reader had done months ago, she decided the material wasn’t within the boundaries of safe controversy like dudes ass-fucking each other.
“Which of course is kind of the point.” Once again this mouth breather proves he has a better grasp on his dick than on the story he’s trying to tell. I didn’t storm the gates of heaven, assassinate the heavenly host and put a Colt Peacemaker round through God’s head just for the sake of giving you a dark, violent or controversial story to tell. I did it to free humanity from the shackles of oppression. Can I get an amen?
“It was a very faithful adaptation of the first few books, nearly word for word.” MSJ borrowed the original script for the comic and stenciled his name over ‘Garth Ennis.’
“They offered me the chance to redevelop it but I refused.” They told him to get the fuck out of their offices and never come back. They wouldn’t even let him take the bottle of Fiji that the receptionist gave him.
“I’ve learned my lesson on that front and I won’t do it again.” MSJ just signed up for creative writing classes at Santa Monica College and doesn’t feel comfortable rewriting a script until he gets his trade degree.
“So I’m afraid it’s dead at HBO.” He was afraid of having to shoot thirteen hours of film in nine months when he’s used to squeezing out two hours worth of film over a period of five years. That was a close call, huh Mark? Good thing Sue didn’t call your bluff, or you’d really be fucked now.
Clears everything up, don’t it? I’m just glad it all worked out in the end. MSJ is off the project and can go back to making leather bondage flicks with Affleck. HBO botched the pass, and hopefully Showtime will make the key interception. I’d love to see the underdog network with Dexter, Weeds and Californication knock those pompous dykes at HBO off their Sybians like the Giants blindsided those Patriot pricks in the Superbowl last year. But if Showtime’s gonna tell my story, they can’t just jump on the bandwagon of whichever funnybook faggot made the most at the box office last year. If they want to tell the story of the man who lived through hell to track down the king of heaven, they gotta get the right man. There ain’t but one hombre in the world with the balls to tell my story proper, and he ain’t got three names like some President-killing sonuvabitch.
Ronnie Pudding, where are you?
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One Comment, Comment or Ping
Ami
I think you mistook Jesse’s voice for Jody’s when you wrote this. Sucks though about the cancelation.
Aug 27th, 2008
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