Okay, I was admittedly a little harsh with my previous comments regarding the red-band trailer for Dane Cook’s upcoming movie, My Best Friend’s Girl. Because admittedly, it did make me chuckle more than once. My judgment was obviously clouded by my bottomless revulsion for the film’s star. As pretty much everyone knows by now, Dane Cook is a joke thief; a disturbing-to-look-at joke thief, who somehow manages to take material that was hilarious in the hands of its authors and render it offensively unfunny.

But beyond that there’s something unquantifiably disturbing about Dane. Maybe it’s his annoying coke-chicken gesticulations. Maybe it’s his Deisel Jeans and Melrose Ave irono-shirts. Maybe it’s because he resembles a burn-victim Ryan Reynolds. Whatever it is, it triggers my gag reflex whenever I so much as look at his visage. This must be how the rest the world felt when they first saw “2 Girls 1 Cup.” Personally I thought it was romantic; but I take back what I said about the rest of you being uptight squares who were just jealous of what was obviously an expression of true love. I have now walked a mile in your shoes.

And apparently I’m not the only person who finds Dane Cook so repugnant. Sharing my distaste for the man is none other than… Dane Cook. Below is an excerpt from Dane’s MySpace blog, in which his knee-jerk aversion to his own mug (as depicted in the one-sheet at the top of this post) is inaccurately blamed on Lionsgate’s marketing department. Yeah, because if there’s one thing Lionsgate is known for, it’s not being able to throw together an eye-catching marketing campaign (Dane’s apparently under the impression that this movie’s being released by Fox). Not only does Dane’s post reinforce my theory that my above-described visceral reaction to Dane Cook is something hard-wired into human beings on the DNA level, to the point that even Dane Cook cannot escape its effect – but it serves to illustrate just how UNFUNNY this man is. Without his physical shtick, Dane’s humor is nothing more than sub-Tucker Max frat-boy snark peppered with piss-poor pop culture references. Dane Cook, I sincerely hope that you contract AIDS, preferably during a three-way with those other two primordially repulsive non-entities, Carson Daly and Ryan Seacrest. And I hope that, unlike in the case of Magic Johnson, no amount of your joke-thieving money will wrest the secret AIDS cure from the clutches of its Elders of Zion keepers.

Care of Dane’s MySpace:

I’d like to inform you I had no say in this marketing campaign, but if I did, things would be different since it is obvious that this poster is boring, odd and has zero to do with the movie I performed in.

1. Graphics:

Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with 3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using “You Suck at Photoshop” templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

2. My head:

The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy thing here? My left side looks like Britney Spears’ vagina.

3. The Stare.

My character apparently has fallen in love with a strand of Kate Hudsons hair. Kate’s mannequin is desperately in love with the inside of my right ear while Jason is half stunned, half corsage.

4. Lips:

It looks like I’m wearing Maybelline Water Shine Diamonds Liquid Lipstick. My characters name is now Winter Solstice and I’m a hooker with a heart of gold. Jason is my floral carrying pimp, while Kate is my first trick!

5. Fashion:

My character is sporting a very high collar. I mean damn they should be snow capped at that altitude. It’s going for the vampire lurking in the castle basement vibe. An Olympic pole vaulter would have a tough go clearing that collar. I’m also able to turn my head comfortably 360 degrees, because I was raised in an abandoned barn by a family of owls.

6. Flesh:

It’s no secret that I’m more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I’ve got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin’ bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond’s dolls would look at me and say “shit … that guys got flawless skin!”

7. Hair:

It’s actually a close up shot of Tom Sellecks Magnum P.I. mustache they photo-slapped on my noggin’.

8. The set:

Pick one. This entire film takes place:

A. on Gattaca
B. at the Fortress of Solitude
C. inside a crystal wind chime

9. The cast:

Alec Baldwin is so fucking funny in this movie! Is he on the poster? I think so. He plays the wise talking plant Jason is clutching.

10. Final thoughts:

I set out to make a movie like the men and women, that you and I respect, are making. My generation of comedians, actors, directors and producers that I wish to collaborate with as I build a solid body of work.

Granted, one poster stinking up the joint isn’t the end of the world. Yet it sends the wrong message about our movie and I just wanted you to know, that I feel the pain. I really love the film and I know from past missteps marketing wise that the wrong poster sends the wrong audience into the theater.

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