Happy Birthday, America! Jesse Helms = Dead
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In celebration of our country’s assumption of independent statehood, Senator Jesse Helms died yesterday. He was 10,000 years old.
A five-term North Carolina senator, Helms was perhaps best known for hating black people, Chinamen, Canadians, gays, women, puppies, circus clowns, rainbows, warm summer days, love songs, table tennis and sentient life. What was NOT generally known about Helms is that he was actually one of the masked members of the band Slipknot. In fact he was this guy:
When he wasn’t touring with his metal band or submitting legislation that would require all minorities to live in heavily-guarded labor camps until they could no longer work 15-hour days, at which point they would be ground into a protein-rich nutrient paste for use as an additive in McDonald’s hamburgers, Helms enjoyed blowing hobos. A lot. Not a day went by when Jesse Helms didn’t have some drifter’s junk in his mouth. He’d let the spooge drool down his chin and he’d say “yummy!” over and over again until the hobo got scared and ran away. Then he’d shoot the hobo in the back. The end.
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