Ah, the mid-nineties. Gas was still a $1.25 a gallon, something called “the internet” was all the rage, and the last of the dirty grunge musicians had finally committed suicide, paving the way for Third Eye Blind to come teach the world to ROCK with tunes like “Graduate,” “Jumper,” and their smashive hit “How’s It Going to Be.” And though our country was caught in the vice-like mechanical claws of a tyrannical despot who used a thriving economy, strong dollar, non-existent federal dept, decreases in violent crime and drug abuse, peace, prosperity and good will for all Americans to cloak his true nefarious intentions — i.e. cigar-banging chubby young interns – we still persevered, thanks to our money, strong stock portfolios, and the comfort of knowing our FRIENDS — Rachel, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, Rikki, Jar-Jar, Snowflake, Punjab, Skittles, Samantha, and Crowbar – would be there for us.

Of course we knew it couldn’t last forever. And we weren’t surprised when in 2004 — after democracy was restored thanks to the valiant efforts of our brave kung-fu expert warrior/president George “the ‘W’ is for Whoop-Ass” Bush — our FRIENDS, perhaps sensing they were no longer needed to infuse America with the strength and hope to carry on, bid us a fond adieu. Oh, tears were shed. Cries were cried and wails were wailed; but we knew that though our weekly dose of “Friends” would no longer be shot into our brains care of the cathode cannons in our living rooms, they weren’t REALLY going away. Oh no. Because our FRIENDS would always be THERE for us — in our hearts. In our hearts, you query? Yes, Poncho. In our hearts.

But now, perhaps thanks to a new threat looming on the horizon – a radical communist Islamic freedom-hating half-negro hobo-rapist threat whose name rhymes with Zarack Ogama – our Friends return to us, like white-robed Gandalfs riding on giant eagles, armed with mirth and laughs and the hope to persevere through these impending dark times! Because at least according to today’s internet rumors, the “Friends” gang will reunite for a Sex-and-the-City-esque film version of the TV show that gave us all a reason to live, with shooting to begin as soon as 18 months from now. Rejoice! Rejoice! Unfurl the flags of freedom and prepare the babies for ritualistic sacrifice to our prodigal TV Gods!

We’ll post further details as the story develops.

• More pics of Miley Cyrus (in a bath-tub and in a bikini)
• Victoria Beckham has traded in old friends for new ones in Los Angeles…
• Miwaukee unveils statue of ‘The Fonz’
• Pamela Anderson’s kids watch “Borat” movie and learn about sex-tape
• Heath Ledger’s father issues a statement