Gyllenhaal = Prince of Persia
Though for some reason it feels like we’ve run this story at least five times before, Variety reports today that dreamy bi-curious cowboy Jake Gyllenhaal will play the tit…ular role in Disney’s upcoming videogame adaptation Prince of Persia. Studio hopes the Jerry “let’s blow some shit up!” Bruckheimer produced flick will mirror the success of the aforementioned shit-blowin-upper’s equally ridiculous Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, which made like, jeesh… a hundred dollars? Maybe more. I wouldn’t know, I’m not a math expert and besides, money’s meaningless to me. The only currency I traffic in is love. You know, like the love between a man and a woman? The kind where the woman’s unconscious, and the man’s got her arms and legs bound with duct tape, and he’s holding a rusty scalpel he found underneath the free clinic dumpster? Uh-huh. That kind.
Production kicks off this July in the desert wasteland known as Morocco, to be directed by Harry Potter and the Magic Flying Faggotry Stick of Whatever helmer Mike Newell. Screenplay comes care of word-writers Doug Miro, Carlo Bernard, Boaz Yakin (he wrote Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights!), Abraham Lincoln, Salvador Dali, Mao Tse-Tung, Lou Ferrigno, Evander Holyfield, Q-Tip from Tribe Called Quest, Ronald McDonald, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Adolf Hitler, Roman Polanski, Gedde Watanabe, Herschell Gordon Lewis, Stevie Nicks, Evonne Goolagong, an adorable bunny rabbit, and about 500 other guys. Which means it’s gonna be GREAT. It’s like some sort of scientific law that the more credited writers on a film the better it’ll turn out. But really I’m just glad they cast someone of obvious Persian heritage like Jake Gyllenhaal. I’m surprised they were even able to find a Persian in Hollywood. I mean normally you’d have to go as far as Beverly Hills, or Tarzana, or the manager’s office of the local car wash to find one.
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