The trial that should’ve taken Hollywood by storm (but didn’t) is finally over. Blackmailer-to-the-stars Anthony “fly” Pellicano “fly” was convicted today of 76 of the court’s 77 charges against him, including several counts of racketeering, wire fraud, identity theft, driving with a suspended license, illegal wearing of an obnoxious Hawaiian shirt, child pornography, loitering, break-dancing in a no-break-dancing zone, speaking in a fake accent, hypnotism and gratuitous existential ennui.

While working as a private detective to a clientele consisting of Hollywood’s most powerful and spiteful players, Pellicano dug up dirt on Gary Shandling, Kevin Nealon (huh?), Sylvester Stallone, Bo Zenga, LA Times reporter Anita Busch, Charles Roven, and CAA’s Bryan Lourd and Kevin Huvane. He also put flaming bags of dogshit on Ernest Borgnine’s front steps, rang the bell then ran away. And he broke into my house and took pictures of me naked, then PhotoShopped it so it looked like I was having sex with a cantaloupe (which is how those pictures wound up on the internet, mom. Honest!). Oh, and he raped a girl. Supposedly.

Pellicano faces 8 to 10 years in prison for his crimes, as well as a lifetime of being stuck with one of the stupidest names in the phone book. Pellicano? Sounds like a stupid bird. I hate stupid birds! I hate them and their stupid faces!

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