When Michael Bay’s not racing around Hollywood in his French’s mustard-yellow Ferrari Enzo — getting oral grat from some breast-enhanced 20-year-old fresh off the bus from daddy-didn’t-love-me town while crankin’ “Use Your Illusion II” and dreaming of new, innovative ways to blow things up –- he likes to ruin beloved horror movies. Because everyone needs a hobby, even magnificently be-coifed A-list directors, and when those hobbies just so happen to be lucrative enough to supplement one’s cocaine-and-Rohypnol slush fund, all the better.

So it came as no surprise when it was announced that Bay’s Platinum Dunes shingle would be remaking the 1980 slasher classic Friday the 13th for New Line, allowing the director to wipe the franchise down with his patented brand of suck. As matter of fact it seemed down right inevitable. For those of you holding on to the hope that Bay’s since set his sights on less canonical horror films to suckify – like Spit on Your Grave fer instance — let the still below of the actor portraying young hockey-be-masked machete-wielder Jason Voorhees serve as a grim reminder that, whether you love Bay or hate him, dude at least knows how to finish what he started.

Huh. Kid’s pretty freaky-looking, I’ll give them that. If this kid showed up at my summer camp I’d probably drown him in a lake too.

Let the serve as a lesson to all you pretty-boys who move to Hollywood hoping to make it on your good looks. There’s a million of you doosh-hoses and you’re all fighting for the same three roles. And while you’ll eventually have to settle on your fallback career of personal trainer/male escort, want to know who’s really getting the actoring work in this town? Mutants with missing chromosomes like this kid. It’s called “niche,” baby.

Tweet This Post 

• Voorhees a jolly good fellow! New Jason pics invade internets
• Remake Fever: Michael Bay to ass-rape Friday 13th next
• Oh fuck! Michael Bay to fuck up new NIGHTMARE
• Box Office Prediction for August 28 – 30, 2009
• Rocky Horror remake