Hollywood’s creative dearth intended merely to confuse?
When I wrote yesterday about the supposed upcoming remake of 1992’s Bad Lieutenant – spouting my trademarked™ mélange of cynicism, sarcasm and snarkiness which makes this site unique on the internet, especially amongst entertainment bloggers based in urban centers –- I wad admittedly stricken with a sneaking suspicion that something was rotten in Denmark, and I don’t just mean Lars Von Trier’s last five movies. It was a story so bizarre, about a remake so odd and unnecessary, that it would not have surprised me one bit to find out it had merely been a falsity leaked to the trades — in an attempt to mislead ME in particular — by a certain Nu Image/Millennium operative still peeved about an incident involving a guy named Vynce Rachmann; they don’t call her Lady Vengeance for nothing, after all (Hi readers! Don’t worry if you don’t understand anything in that last sentence. I’m going somewhere with this, honest).
But two stories broke today which served on the one hand to confirm my suspicions about there being some sort of monkee-business afoot, but on the other to reveal that this was far bigger than ME, and my lovely friend LV, as it was something which encompassed the ENTIRE INDUSTRY. I realized a nefarious conspiracy of disinformation was unfolding before me like the plot to the next M. Night Shyamalan movie, only good, and aliens didn’t do it. But then who WAS behind it? Robots? Zombies? Rupert Murdoch, who is both a robot AND a zombie? These are not questions I can answer, good friends. I can only present you with my evidence, and hope that your Hoffman-be-lensed minds can handle it.
Item A: It was reported today that a Point Break sequel is in the works. Yeah, you know that movie that came out like 8 million years ago which was awesome, but only because it was both awesomely cheesy and awesomely awesome in a way that’s impossible to replicate going in with the intention to do so, lest you wind up with another Snakes on a Plane on your hands? Yup. They’re doing a sequel for it. But don’t worry, it’ll be directed by the guy who did Speed II so it’s bound to get the loving treatment it deserves.
Item B: Also breaking today was the news that Jonah Hill would be adapting “21 Jump Street” for the big screen. No, I didn’t just mistype Walter Hill, or even special effects supervisor Jonah Hall. I typed exactly what I meant, i.e. that fat kid who plays That Fat Kid in Judd Apatow movies. Obviously this will be a post-modern, self-referential comedic take on the old Fox series about cops who go undercover in schools. And that’s just what we needed folks, more pseudo-ironic nostalgia bullshit. Not enough of THAT it the world, nope.
(News flash, Americans: All that low-rent bullshit you watched as kids is still low-rent bullshit and no amount of faux iron-on tee shirts is gonna change that. You’re grown-ups now; pick up a fucking book, preferably about something non-wizard-related, which WASN’T written by some doosh-hose internet blogger).
Anyway, as you can clearly see from the evidence above, a top-secret Hidden Hand organization is merely announcing all these nonsensical sequels, remakes and TV adaptations to make us befuddled and confused; and thus our minds all the more pliable, all the more susceptible to their subliminal commands to OBEY. It’s only a matter of time before our robot-zombie lords reveal themselves for who they are. And when they do, are we going to fight? Or will we line up like sheep to labor in their salt mines? I know my answer.
You should also check out:
3 Comments, Comment or Ping
admin
sign me up to your Army! I will not line up like a sheep to labor the salt mines for the robot-zombie lords. Oh no I shan’t.
May 14th, 2008
Jesse Custer
spit
May 14th, 2008
Jesse Custer
There’s a typo in your headline. It was supposed to read, “Hollywood’s Creative Death.”
May 15th, 2008
Reply to “Hollywood’s creative dearth intended merely to confuse?”