Ah, yes. 1992. Pogs were all the rage, heroin was awesome, and a little band named the Spin Doctors was teaching the world that hacky-sack and rock DO mix. And then Harvey Keitel showed us his penis — even though no one asked him to — ruining everything for everyone.

And then he did it again, and again. But remember that first time? I do. Remember it like it was yesterday. What a sight it was, all… flaccid. And wrinkly. It wasn’t very large, but you know he could hurt you with it, if he was using it to rape you.

Hard to believe that Bad Lieutenant came out 16 years ago. Not much has changed since then when you think about it. The Spin Doctors still rock, heroin is still awesome, and Harvey Keitel is still flashing his junk to anyone within eyeshot. However he won’t be flashing it in the upcoming remake of Bad Lieutenant, because Nic Cage will be filling his penis-shoes in the titular role.

“Woah, wait a sec”, you sez. “They’re remaking Bad Lieutenant?”

Yup. I know it sounds like the worst idea since women’s suffrage, but hold that thought for one second: Nu Image/Millennium Films – makers of Rambo (which was admittedly awesome), the upcoming Conan movie, and pretty much every awful CGI space-robot-shark movie on the SciFi network –- are producing. And as we mentioned a paragraph ago, Nic Cage –- the same Nic Cage who tried to sell woman-punching as a heroic act in that gawdawful Neil LaBute remake of The Wicker Man (also produced by Millennium, by the way) – will star. But the one possible silver lining to this –- what under any other circumstances would be an unmitigated disaster — is the fact that Werner fucking Herzog is directing.

The first one was perfect, and there’s nothing Herzog could bring to the table (which I’m sure he’s smart enough to know). And as we’ve seen time and time and TIME again, any attempt to remake a perfect movie ends in punchline-worthy, career-ending disaster. So I’m holding out for the hope that Herzog decides to do it as a musical. Bad Lieutenant: The Musical? Directed by Werner Herzog? I’m there, FULL-ON.

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