It was a no-brainer than Marvel’s magical flying robot Iron Man would return to the box (office) for sloppy seconds this weekend, pulling in another $50 million domestically (as you’ll see from our final box office numbers posted below). However the weekend’s BIG story was Speed Racer. Made on a meager $100 million by upstart producers Warner Bros/Village Roadshow, this “little film that could” muscled its way to a 2nd place (or possibly 3rd) finish, taking an impressive $20 million at theaters (with another $13 million from the international markets). Obviously this bodes well for the careers of the film’s young brother/pre-op trannie sister team known as the Wachowskis, who caught the industry’s attention a few years back with a low-budget student film entitled The Matrix.

And while it would be easy to attribute the film’s appeal with youngsters to its manic pace and Tokyo-on-ecstasy visual effects, we mustn’t look past the filmmakers themselves. In this age of nihilistic murder-porn videogames like GTA4, children need a refreshing voice NOT tinged by our culture’s ubiquitous amorality and ultra-violence. We need to get back to those good old-fashioned family values, the kind that can only be taught to us by a man whose obsession with a dominatrix makes him want to cut off his penis… and that man’s brother.

/sarcasm. The only thing that could make the Wachowskis creepier is if “Lana” and Andy started banging. And if Andy grafted a horse’s penis onto his own so we could get the bestiality angle in there. If Warner Bros. really wanted to do a successful Speed Racer movie they should’ve hired someone sensible to direct it, like Joey Silvera.

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