because I’m too lazy to googlesearch for a new image

In the wake of Speed Racer’s dismal performance, movie star™ Emile Hirsch has given his “it’s not you, it’s me” speech to tenpercentery/douchebaggery UTA. Hirsch – who, prior to Speed Racer, was in a lot of films with the word “dog” in the title – had been with UTA for seven years, which is like 49 dog years and 526 agency years.

Nikki Finke – in addition to “breaking” the story (without her trademark claims of having predicted it would happen, oddly enough) goes on to whine about how UTA doesn’t deserve this, because they made him the quote-star-unquote he is today. What a dumb-ass.

First of all: they’re agents. Being gang-raped by sasquatches would be too good for them. They only thing agents don’t deserve is negative HIV tests.

Second of all: Someone OBVIOUSLY convinced Emile – HARD – that doing Speed Racer would be a good idea. And in spite of the actor’s own instincts, he went along with it. Why? Well, unlike Nikki Finke I’m not omniscient, but I’m guessing because of the very reason she gives for Emile being a doosh-hose, i.e. they’d made him what he was, and he trusted them – implicitly – because of it. Which was dumb. Agents are only motivated by one thing: Money. And to a lesser extent, smiting their enemies — and appeasing their Dark Lord Lucifer — but mostly it’s all about the dirty lucre… and the more people they have to step over to get it, the better.

And before any of you little Stockholm Syndrome coffee-jockey desk-bitches write in telling me I’m wrong because your boss so-and-so has some sort of real, earnest, emotional connection to his/her clients – shut up. You’re wrong. If your boss is an agent, he or she eats puppies for breakfast and sacrifices sub-Saharan African famine babies to Satan for dinner. He/she heard Public Enemy’s “911 is a Joke” for the first time, thought they were referring to that time when terrorists flew planes into the Twin Towers and said, “yeah, that IS funny.” They don’t all have a sweet side like Ari Gold on “Entourage”. They’re like Ari Gold but with more date-rape drugs and dead hookers, and NONE of the warm n’ fuzzy stuff that makes Ari come off like such a puss. Do not cry any tears for agents. They certainly wouldn’t cry tears for you, except maybe tears of blood, and only because the tortured screams you make as the vultures pluck out your eyeballs amuses them to no end.

Good for you, Emile. Fuck agents. Who need ‘em? And by the way, I’ll take extra foam on that Venti Latte.

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• Speed Racer “races” to second (or possibly third) place finish
• Actual Weekend Box Office May 9-11, 2008
• Vanity Fair – Hollywood Issue
• Nikki Finke article in Elle Magazine
• Box Office Forecasts for May 9-11, 2008