After Marvel announced their release date last week for a proposed sequel to their flying-space-robot smash hit Iron Man, all the other studios have been clamoring for their piece of the media-whore spotlight by announcing way-off release dates for sequels to THEIR franchise properties. Why? Because no one in Hollywood is capable of an original thought. Seriously, I work here; I know. For instance if a movie comes out on a Friday about oh, I don’t know – a half-man/half-lizard who rapes babies – and it does remotely well, the following Monday every studio exec in town will be clamoring to get their lizard-man baby-raper projects into the pipeline. Then in six months after the lizard-man baby-raper buzz dies down, there’ll be a million fucking lizard-baby-raping projects in development, none of which ever will get made, because the success of the FIRST one was a complete lark and the no one’s going to want to see some lame knock-off of that movie about a lizard raping babies because that’s like, SOOOO last year dude — it’s Friendster in a Facebook world. Yet in the process millions of dollars will have been wasted optioning properties, buying and developing scripts, signing directors and actors to pay-or-play deals just so they can put their names in the trades, all over some fucking trend that any 6th grader could’ve told you had a shorter shelf-life than bacon-flavored egg-nog. Don’t believe me? Go into any production company’s script room and I GUARANTEE you will find 3 or 4 dusty drafts of a POG movie from circa 1992. Yeah, POGS: THE MOVIE was once considered a bleeding-edge, career-making idea. People spoke of it hushed tones like it was that secret cure for AIDS the Freemasons have been hoarding. I bet there are people running studios right now because in 1992 they put a pog movie into development.

Anyway, Fox and New Regency announced the release date for the sequel to their inexplicably successful family film Alvin and the Chipmunks (the title of which always irked me because Alvin IS a chipmunk… so shouldn’t it be called Alvin the Chipmunk and the other Chipmunks?), which starred Xenu-lover Jason Lee and a bunch of CGI. So if you find yourself without anything to do on March 19, 2010, and have some children you hate, take them to see Alvin and the Chipmunks II. The good thing is the court doesn’t consider it child abuse, even though it’s technically worse than shoving a hot iron in their stupid little faces.

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