“What do you MEAN we’re out of cheese-in-a-can?”

Apparently we spoke too soon in publishing this story about how Jonah Hill, aka that fat kid from that movie, was going to play the role of That Fat Kid in Michael Bay’s upcoming splosion porn, Transformers 2. According to Entertainment Weekly, talks between DreamWorks/Paramount and CreamWorks/Pair o’ Man-tits fell apart like one of Hill’s belts, leaving the studio scrambling to find a new comic-relief-providing diabetes candidate to fill Hill’s XXXXXL plaid pants.

Why would Hill turn down a chance to work with America’s Director™ Michael Bay on what promises to be a blockbuster of extraordinary magnitude (with an extraordinary craft services budget to match)? One could only guess money was the issue, although fictional sources close to Hill quote the actor as saying: “I ain’t playing second fiddle to that douchebag motherfucker Shia LeDouche. I’m a motherfucking star! Did you see Superbad? That was MY fucking movie. Wouldn’t have been SHIT without me. Oh yeah, and FUCK McLovin. What’s that faggot doing now? Exactly! He’s last year’s John Heder, whereas I’m playing Fat Kid # 1 in the next 15 Apatow movies. Got it in writing and everything. So FUCK Michael Bay. I don’t need that handsome asshole OR his beautiful hair. And another thing…hey, is that a Hot Pocket? MMMMM Hot Pockets!” Hill then devoured an entire catering truck full of Hot Pockets (according to our make-believe sources) before collapsing in a tomato-sauce-stained heap in the corner, mumbling obscenities while fondling the stubby little Hot Pocket boner poking through his plus-sized sweatpants.

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