Captain (gurgle-gurgle-gurgle-gurgle-BONG HIT) America?
An interesting tidbit showed up on the rumor radar today: Purportedly, Texan naked-bongo enthusiast Matthew McConaughey will play Captain America in the film adaptation of Marvel’s cornerstone WWII propaganda coloring book, which was announced yesterday by Marvel reps (as they rolled around in a plexi-glass barrel full of Iron Man money) for a targeted release date of May 2011 (which is, like — in the FUTURE, dude!). If so, McConaughey would also likely be playing Cap in Marvel’s upcoming Avengers pic (FYI, “pic” is short for “motion picture.” Sorry for getting all Variety on your asses).
Gotta admit, this would be some intriguing casting. McConaughey’s definitely got the looks (he’s sooooo handsome — SWOON), and believe it or not he does have some actoring chops to back it up. My only concerns are a) how does Marvel keep this from becoming a lame romantic comedy co-starring some frumpy bitch like Kate Hudson? And b) how are they going to get McConaughey to keep his shirt on for the entire shoot? My guess is they’re going to have to revamp Captain America’s uniform to be more physique-revealing. What about just an American flag loincloth and some of those lace-up moccasins stoners wear? And instead of an invulnerable shield, Cap carries around an invulnerable hacky-sack? And they’ll have to work in some plot thread about weed, and at the end of the day weed saves the day. All I know is this would be the perfect opportunity for McConaughey – coming out of a state of suspended animation after 60 years – to revisit his most famous quote: “That’s what I like about high school girls: I keep getting older, they stay the same age.” Seriously. That line could be his “I’ll be back.” Only better, because it’s a light-hearted take on statutory rape – which is the most American kind of rape there is.
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