IRON MAN rapes box office with robot sex parts; sequel date announced
The “Iron Man” who SHOULD’VE dominated this weekend’s box office
Despite my heartfelt prayers to the Earth Goddess for underdog rom-com Made of Honor sweeping Hollywood’s latest substance-free coloring book adaptation under the rug, it seems that the unwashed masses — the feces-smeared rabble — preferred to spend their incest-babies’ Food Stamp money on 120 torturous minutes of Robert Downey Jr. dressed as an animatronic Ronald McDonald shooting lasers from the hole where his heart used to be. F*&K YOU, AMERICA! Or rather F*&K YOU, PLANET EARTH – because Iron Man not only carried away a whopping 100.8 effin’ MILLION earth dollars from U.S. American movie-goers – who, let’s face it, we already knew were stupid – but also managed to take the international markets by storm, pulling in $ 96.8 million for an astro-nominical four day total of 201 MILLION dollars! As the CW network’s marketing cronies would say… OMFG!
The only solace offered from this weekend’s tallies was that the box office as a whole was down from last year due to luke-warm non-coloring book movie performances, which I take as a sign that the Earth Mother seeks to punish the sexist, woman-hating patriarchal Hollywood Show Business Industry for its slight against “TV’s sexiest man” Patrick Dempsey.
Still, high on the heels of their success in slipping the global film-going public a roofie and taking advantage of its baby-making parts, Marvel Entertainment announced its plans for releasing their next piece o’ Dempsey-hating offal — Iron Man II – on April 30, 2010, a date which history will know as “the Day Dempsey Cried,” or “Wala Galick Naha” as its referred to on the Aztec Calendar.
Marvel’s mouthpieces also took the opportunity to announce dates for some of their OTHER coloring book movies, notably:
Thor to be released June 4, 2010
Captain America set for May 6, 2011
and The Avengers, coming to theaters in July of 2011.
Now if you’ll excuse me, my stuffed penguin Clark and I have a date with a gallon of Ben and Jerry’s and the Sex in the City DVD box-set. Never again, American filmgoers! My heart, like your beloved CGI action hero, is now CLAD IN IRON so it will NEVER AGAIN be assaulted by your cruel indifference to Patrick Dempsey.
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