IRON MAN Review
Review by Jesse Custer
Downey Jr. in a rare studio test shot
Drugs make some people better. And I’m not talking about that sissy shit Pfizer keeps pushing during halftime (I know, I know – we’re all tempted to see what kind of crotch we could wreck with a six hour boner, but is it worth heart failure and rectal bleeding?), I mean the real stuff – heroin, crack and the unsung hero, PCP. Hasn’t slowed Keith Richards down, and he’s been shoving horse Pulp Fiction-style straight into his heart since Sticky Fingers. Face it, Nancy (I’m talking to the former first lady, not all you homos reading this), “Just say no!” wasn’t a completely fleshed out theory. Robert Downey Jr. is better living through chemistry proof of this.
champion
Art imitates life again (who can forget his lip-locked-cock turn as the junkie in Less Than Zero (this time I am talking to the homos)) as journeyman thesp Downey Jr. tackles the role of alcoholic Tony Stark like he’s Lawrence Taylor coming at Joe Theisman’s blindside (LT – another champion with a taste for baking soda and coca leaves). The result is arguably the best casting choice in Hollywood history, standing eye to eye with other such inspired picks as Schwarzeneggar’s Conan, Stallone’s Rocky, Keanu’s Johnny Utah and Jonah Hill’s Fat Guy #1.
Initiated dorks and cherry-intact noobs alike will respect the filmmakers’ athletic strides which quickly establish Stark’s entire mythology and catapult the current story. 13-year-olds reared on a steady diet of Lunchables, MTV and Ritalin will appreciate the comic adaptation’s short two hour running time, a rarity in a genre dominated by masturbatory three hour snooze fests with no eye candy except for Dunst’s D-cup droopers (can’t they CGI out the sag?). Action junkies will “ooh” and “aah” at every ‘splosion while aspiring filmmakers will appreciate the craft at work on every level of this production. Expect the four credited writers’ quote to skyrocket like Tony Stark’s blood-alcohol level at an open bar.
Fantastic pretending too. Jeff Bridges pulls off Obadiah Stane with an understated touch that breathes true life into a two-dimensional funny book villain. Gwenyth “I hate apple pie” Paltrow rekindles likeability unseen since se7en. Leslie Bibb – whose performance in site fave Sex and Death 101 gave sticky-fingered co-lead Winona a run for her money – continues to show the same promise evidenced in Talladega Nights. I did want Terrance Howard to put more Hustle and Flow edge on Stark’s hetero life-partner Rhodey, but he still hits all his marks. Stan “The Man” Lee Excelsior’s cameo is his best yet, even trumping his po-mo appearance with Lou Ferrigno in The Hulk That Universal Wants You to Forget. And dorkrector Jon Favreau steps in front of the camera as Happy Hogan to let us all know that a shake for breakfast and lunch and a sensible dinner really does work. But make no mistake, Iron Man is no ensemble piece. This is the house that Robert Downey Jr. built.
The star even showed up with Favreau at The Arclight in Hollywood for last night’s midnight showing to welcome all us dorks who’d rather ogle Jean Grey’s tits through a protective polyurethane sleeve than risk the rejection of hitting on a real woman. And since you’re obviously not important enough to receive the same treatment, I’ll just pass along their closing words: stay through the credits. Best post-credit bumper since Ferris Bueller told us to hit the bricks.
Iron Man = triumph
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