Jonah Hill – the rat-faced tub of lard who is purportedly in real life as nasty a sack of shit as he comes off on screen – will supposedly be playing a supporting role in Michael Bay’s upcoming whip-pan CGI robot splosion 500-Red-Bulls-and-a-giant-box-of-Mike-n-Ikes Infinite Jest short-attention-span mind-rape, Transformers 2.

Though Bay’s fear of the internets has driven him to spread disinformation about the toy-informercial sequel like it was Hawaiian Tropic tanning oil on some righteous babe’s saline-enhanced milk-shooters, according to the rumor mill Hill will act out the roll of CHUCK, Shia LeBouf’s conspiracy theory obsessed college roommate, or as the archetype is more commonly known – “Fat Kid.” No word yet whether Hill will wear a Hawaiian shirt or plaid pants in the film – those being the only two viable fashion choices for cinematic comedic-relief-providing Fat Kids.

Two words, Jonah Hill: Truffle Shuffle. You may have cornered the market on post-9/11 Fat Kid roles, but Chunk you are not.

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