Wodi McWo’s American Idol Blog: April 1, 2008
Dedicated to Bingo.
8:48 – I’m running 48 minutes late due to being called gay by my brother for wanting to watch American Idol instead of going out for drinks. I realized when I finally got home that I probably seem even gayer because I already had my TIVO set to record the show.
8:50 Here we go! Ryan Seacrest says the show is not airing tonight because there’s going to be a special “Moment of Truth” episode. You’ve got to be kidding me! Wait, what? It’s just an April Fool’s joke? OHMIGOD ROTFLMAO. He’s so fucking funny. THIS is American Idol
8:52 Ryan’s suit is extra shiny tonight – I notice these kinds of things.
8:53 DOLLY “Tits McGee” PARTON is going to help the contestants tonight. True story, Dolly hit on me in Vegas and I got pictures of her kissing me. When I got the pictures developed (yeah, I’m that old), turns out I had some beer goggles on, because what I thought was Dolly, was actually a tranny impersonator.
8:54 I don’t know what’s creepier, that Dolly Parton looks like Skeletor with huge boobs and a blonde wig, or that I kind of want to titty-fuck Skeletor.
8:55 First up, performing “Jolene” is Brooke White. I don’t know what it is about Brooke White, but I’m not buying the “I’ve never seen a rated “R” movie, or been DP’d before.” I guess her performance was OK but I couldn’t take my eyes off the violinist with the mullet – way to rock bro! Keep the dream alive. Anyways, Paula gave her the best criticism of all the judges when she said, “You are Brooke White.” Thanks Paula!
9:00 Commercial for “Alvin and The Chipmunks” being released on DVD. Is it just me, or does the tagline “Get Munk’d” sound oddly sexual? I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure getting “Munk’d” is playground lingo for when a guy throws up in a girl’s vagina. Now that I think about it, that’s probably what watching the Alvin and The Chipmunks movie is like. Well-played Fox/New Regency marketing.
9:02 Next up is David Cook and he’s wearing dog tags – Randy is going to like that. He’s performing “Little Sparrow” and he’s decided to go for his own arrangement instead of stealing from other artists and not giving them credit. Dolly just put her boobs in his face. His performance reminds me of the saxophonist on the beach in the LOST BOYS but gayer. Randy and Paula like it, Simon called him a faggot – no joke!
9:07 Performing “Everything Bad” (I think that’s what it’s called) is Rameiele? Ramaiels? Ranviele? Performing “Everything Bad” is that slanty eyed chick. Hey slut! The show’s called “AMERICAN Idol,” not “Me Rikey Hello Kitty Idol.” Get off the stage and get back to giving my girlfriend a manicure – and by girlfriend I mean my Rainbow Brite doll (she gives great head…)
9:14 Ryan is reading stalker mail to Jason Castro. One of the postcards says something about his voice being as sweet as Colorado? The crowd seemed to think it was sweet but I was too busy getting lost in Jason’s eyes – uhh… I mean, fucking mad bitches. So, Jason is performing “Travelin Through” and get this, Dolly said “I would hate to have to dread those locks.” Hey Tal, did you see what Dolly did right there? It’s a play on words. Jason is definitely taking a motorboat down lake Parton after the show. I like this kid. Reminds me of a young Zack De La Rocha, but way less pissed off about the government and that Mexican guy on all those flags, I think his name is Che. Paula really likes him too – looks like Jason is going to need a little more fuel for that motor boat. Simon didn’t like him nearly as much.
9:22 And now, Carly is singing some other song by Dolly that I’ve never heard of. Holy shit, Carl Winslow from “Die Hard” is playing the acoustic guitar and he’s killing it. Oh snap, Simon just criticized Carly’s outfit. OH NO HE DIDN’T. Hey remember that episode of “Family Matters” where Laura has a dream that Eurkel makes an atomic bomb and blows up Chicago? Holy shit balls was that funny.
9:30 Hey everyone, it’s David Archuleta performing Parton’s “Smoky Mountain Memories” (more like “Smoky Mountain Mammories!” Hey Tal). Anyways, here’s the thing – I’m only kidding when I say I’m gay, but both David and I were wearing the same argyle sweater tonight! Fate? Well, I know one boner that’s nodding his head yes.
9:40 At this point I stopped watching because SISTER ACT 2 came on television and if you think I’m racist for switching off American Idol right when the black chick came on, well then, why was I watching SISTER ACT 2? Think about that! I’m sure the girl probably did one of those runs where they sing one note for ten minutes and I’m sure the Australian guy performing after her probably wore a scarf, all’s I know is Whoopi is about to get “Back in The Habbit.” Good times.
So who’s my pick to go this week? I’m gonna say David Archuleta. Oh, I thought you meant go straight to my heart….
For real, I’m picking the slanty eye chick. See you next week. McWo out!
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6 Comments, Comment or Ping
Spazz McJackhoff
I just stumbled across this blog after being jacked off by my massage therapist. All I can say is that this represents everything that is right about America. Freedom of speech and racism are two things our troops kill those Shite, Sunnis or whatever for.
Godd bless America and godd bless Wodi McWo
Seacrest out…
Apr 2nd, 2008
Adolf Hilter
Wodi McWo, you have no class.
Stop picking on the blacks and come to where the action is: Mexicans and Jews!
Apr 2nd, 2008
DB
Seriously, this is the funniest thing ever. I couldn’t stop laughing after I read the part about Rainbow Bright. You missed the Australian guy Michael Johns who I think was the strongest, I can’t wait to read the next one. This is definitely a winner.
Apr 2nd, 2008
Wodi McWo
Well Hitler, I never thought I’d be saying this to you again… but you’re right. I will make up for it in my next post.
Apr 2nd, 2008
Manifesta
Your slanty eyed chick lost it? Nice pick. Was the pick for the person who would be voted off or go all the way (and not w/ Ryan) If you had her for the winner I’d like to play poker with you.
I am a closet Idol watcher, fear of being publicly stoned I guess, and not in a medicinal way! I watched the episode via DVR last evening and now, after reading your blog post, wish you were in SF so we could watch it together. My boyfriend can’t stomach the performances so the humor is lost. My money’s on the Gay Rocker Guy (little sparrow) at this point. David A’s sweater was nice and I am sure it fits you well too. I find him fake, cruise shipy, and an annoying little twit to top it off. I know that all the grannies and girls under 12 will keep him there for the long haul :-/
Dolly was even scarier on the results show!!!! But she seems like such a sweet little thing (emphasis on thing)…
I am waiting for another post with un-baited breath :-)
Apr 4th, 2008
Wodi McWo
Slanty eyes was my pick to be voted off, but I’ll still play poker with you if you’d like — could your boyfriend stomach that? If not, I was raised by wolverines and I’m pretty sure I could take him in a fight. Don’t worry, I was raised by unicorns as well, so I’m also beautiful and majestic… in bed.
“Gay Rocker Guy” is always voted off like the second or third to last week (Daughtry, Bo Bice, Constantine, Clay Aiken). Sorry to have to be the one to break it to you, but David A. is going to win — he’s just to Goddamn irresistible (even for my wolverine powers).
Sorry I can’t come to SF to watch the show with you next week — Rainbow Brite keeps me on a pretty tight leash. Maybe one of these nights David A. will let you join him in my dreams. Do you know how to ride a unicorn?
McWo out!
Apr 4th, 2008
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